The honest truth about coming out in a town that's considerably conservative is that it's more terrifying than anyone will ever admit. It's a blessing in disguise, however, one that I'm so grateful I've been able to have. I don't often discuss my own sexuality, as I try to not let it define what others think of me or see of me, but at a time when I'm feeling so proud to feel the way I do and be the way I am, it seems appropriate. However, as a disclaimer, I must warn all those who read this that it may not be as full of pride (overused word #1) as one might think. This truth, whether inconvenient or not, is mine and I am not ashamed of it. But with God and those who love me as witnesses, I hope I can at least shed some light on the situation at hand.
It always scared me when I was in high school to think I may have been different than everyone else. My unique personality was something I was proud of, but feeling a certain way romantically and sexually is a difference that takes time to accept. As with anything, changing is fragile work. Without support, it's nearly impossible for someone to face a change without falling on their face at least once or twice. When I was in high school, I realized my difference near the end of my junior year, a time when I had already been dealing with a multitude of irrelevant adolescent dramas with friends and such. But once I saw the truth and saw how it had already affected my relationships with others, it seemed so frightening that this was something that would ultimately change the entire course of my life, whether I wanted it to or not. Even denial would send me on a different path than I had had in mind.
Not unlike others in my situation, I faced more ridicule than a person should ever have to. A best friend, a person I thought I could trust, shunned me once he learned the truth and tried to make me see that the secret I'd confided in him was nothing but a sin, simply an abomination in his eyes. This friend would torment me, tell others my secret without my permission, and send me threatening and bigoted texts and messages that soon sent me to a darker place than I have ever been. I'd lost a good guy friend before that as well because of what I was ashamed to admit, and I blamed God for their denial of me. On top of that, I faced isolation as I discovered one of my closest girlfriends had some sort of bizarre fascination with humiliating me, as high school girls often do. I was, however, not a high school girl.
This ignorance, this sort of blatant disregard of another person's worthiness in the eyes of God, made me seek out friendships elsewhere, and one in particular with a friend I'd had since 8th grade, gave me the strength I would need to carry on into my senior year. I could improve myself in an effort to see the good things again, rather than hang on to some false disgust in myself. Life wasn't perfect, but it was easier for me to ignore the stares and the rumors. But, unlike others, it wasn't through any sort of denial of a God above me or leaving the religion I'd been raised in.
Religion itself has been a challenge for me, but one so full of rewards and realizations that I'm still unable to deny the testimony I have of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I will admit that I am far from a perfect member, and admittedly at this point in my life, I am fairly inactive, but it is still a truth I cannot deny. Many of those friends who have helped me see the good in myself and have improved my life are members of the church and still have my greatest admiration.
Through the confusing mess of a battle I've had between my sexuality and the religion I still fully believe in, I've been able to meet a plethora of people from every walk of life and every sort of religious point of view that have changed my own foundation. This sort of acceptance of others was based on something I learned very early in life, and it's something we've all heard multiple times.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
In the LGBTQA (did I get all of them?) community, the main goal is acceptance of a lifestyle different from the norm, but the truth of the matter is, I've seen a fair amount of discrimination from that same community towards those who believe in a religion that does not recognize same-gender attraction and marriage as a part of it's own teachings. The truth is, in the LDS faith, marriage is defined as a sacred union between a man and a woman before their Heavenly Father. Despite my own opinions, this is the given law. My own confusion about my stance on either opinion is still flawed and changes day to day, but at the heart of it all, is the simplest solution.
Just mind your own business. To quote Miss Jodie Foster, 'privacy, privacy, privacy'. Decide for yourself how you want to live your life and let others decides for themselves as well.. There is no use in asking for acceptance when you still hold prejudice in your heart, no matter your opinion. To make others see differently will never work. It's easier to see the good in everyone than dwell on the hatred, and honestly, it takes up far more energy than it's worth. Now, I certainly don't have all the answers. I myself am still troubled about which path to follow, or finding some sort of happy medium between the two, but that's my choice to make. I'm still learning about myself, finding inspiration from others, but perhaps at some point, I'll know where I'm supposed to go, but for right now, I'm having a hell of a time finding my way.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Is This What I Had In Mind?
I want someone to finish my sentences. I want that person who sees my flaws and not only accepts them, but offers constructive advice on improving them. I want somebody who knows why I drink three Diet Cokes a day when I myself don't understand it. I've never been one to be so desperate, so desirous of that thing that makes the earth turn slower and the girls stand straighter. But then, there's times like this, It seems so frugile to blog on a subject like love when I myself haven't the slightest idea what it must feel like to put someone so far above yourself. I thought I had, but that went away once I touched back down to Earth. But, as the Beatles said, love is all you need. And perhaps, at the end of the day, that's true.
I see so many people fall in and out of love daily. It's the endless battle, like some sort of emotional zombie that takes everything out of us. Yet, at the end of the day, love seems to be the ultimate prize. If you've ever considered life's many possible adversities, it seems to me many of them center around the search for a partner and the pitfalls one must experience on the way to the sheer bliss of a romance gone right. Is it all worth the risk? Forgive me for sounding like a novel by Nicholas Sparks or Sarah Dessen, however, I do thnk its perfectly acceptable to ask themselves the hard questions. It's a nice change of pace form the usual mundane activities of a lackadaisical day.
If you've ever considered any of your past relationships, it's amazing to see how incredibly blind you were when it came to the other person's fault. Near the end of a recent relationship, I began to notice how the person was using me for useless things like nights spent at the movie theatre or small things like visits to Starbucks and midnight runs to Betos. As commonplace as these ventures sound, the financial strains began to take their toll. I was spending so much time and money on a single person who, at the current moment, I'm not even sure appreciated it. Was that time well spent?
Consider the bright side of it all. I remember a quote from a discussion with a good friend about one of their exes. When I asked how they were feeling, post breakup, the only sentiment they felt the needed to say was simply, 'I'm happy I dated her. I'm happy I'll never have to date her again. I learned a lot of things and it was a good experience overall.' Isn't that the ideal? Admittedly, no matter the person, there will always be a touch of bitterness or resentment towards the respective heartbreaker. But if one can simply look back on the relationship with an optimistic, 'Well that was fun', rather than a much less constructive, 'Oh my word, I can't believe we didn't resolve this, or this, or this, or this, or...'....you catch my drift.
Using someone for the sake of selfish personal gain isn't love. Forcing someone into a situation that's new and uncomfortable certainly isn't love. And betraying someone's trust certainly isn't love. Love should be approached after much though, much consideration, and a deep feeling in the deepest, most tender part of your heart that you'd give anything for this person. A perfect love, if I'm not mistaking, should feel like a dream come true, but a dream that one must be ready for. At any given time in my past, I doubt I've ever been worthy or ready for it. The fake and familiar mask of glutton a partner can wear could easily be mistaken as the guise of true love. It's a beautiful, terrible plague we all succumb to, and once it's over, you can breathe again, look at yourself in the mirror, and simply say, 'I lived. I loved. And I can't wait to do it tomorrow.'
And as you fall in and out of love, so many times a day you think your head will spin so quickly it will fall off, consider those in your life not for a romantic purpose. Just a night ago, I spent in complete and utter bliss with two of the best people I've ever had the fortune to call my best friends. After an interesting evening at a college play with one, I spent the rest of the night with the other, catching up on the small things, the insignificant things. And somehow, it strengthened those friendships. I suppose what I'm saying is a love such as platonic love can be just as gratifiying, just as fulfilling, and just as important. And it's much safer to know that, whether rain or sun, healthy or ill, your best friends will always be there to cry with you and make fun of your ridiculous obsession with Pretty Little Liars. That's love, ladies and gentleman, plain and simple.
I see so many people fall in and out of love daily. It's the endless battle, like some sort of emotional zombie that takes everything out of us. Yet, at the end of the day, love seems to be the ultimate prize. If you've ever considered life's many possible adversities, it seems to me many of them center around the search for a partner and the pitfalls one must experience on the way to the sheer bliss of a romance gone right. Is it all worth the risk? Forgive me for sounding like a novel by Nicholas Sparks or Sarah Dessen, however, I do thnk its perfectly acceptable to ask themselves the hard questions. It's a nice change of pace form the usual mundane activities of a lackadaisical day.
If you've ever considered any of your past relationships, it's amazing to see how incredibly blind you were when it came to the other person's fault. Near the end of a recent relationship, I began to notice how the person was using me for useless things like nights spent at the movie theatre or small things like visits to Starbucks and midnight runs to Betos. As commonplace as these ventures sound, the financial strains began to take their toll. I was spending so much time and money on a single person who, at the current moment, I'm not even sure appreciated it. Was that time well spent?
Consider the bright side of it all. I remember a quote from a discussion with a good friend about one of their exes. When I asked how they were feeling, post breakup, the only sentiment they felt the needed to say was simply, 'I'm happy I dated her. I'm happy I'll never have to date her again. I learned a lot of things and it was a good experience overall.' Isn't that the ideal? Admittedly, no matter the person, there will always be a touch of bitterness or resentment towards the respective heartbreaker. But if one can simply look back on the relationship with an optimistic, 'Well that was fun', rather than a much less constructive, 'Oh my word, I can't believe we didn't resolve this, or this, or this, or this, or...'....you catch my drift.
Using someone for the sake of selfish personal gain isn't love. Forcing someone into a situation that's new and uncomfortable certainly isn't love. And betraying someone's trust certainly isn't love. Love should be approached after much though, much consideration, and a deep feeling in the deepest, most tender part of your heart that you'd give anything for this person. A perfect love, if I'm not mistaking, should feel like a dream come true, but a dream that one must be ready for. At any given time in my past, I doubt I've ever been worthy or ready for it. The fake and familiar mask of glutton a partner can wear could easily be mistaken as the guise of true love. It's a beautiful, terrible plague we all succumb to, and once it's over, you can breathe again, look at yourself in the mirror, and simply say, 'I lived. I loved. And I can't wait to do it tomorrow.'
And as you fall in and out of love, so many times a day you think your head will spin so quickly it will fall off, consider those in your life not for a romantic purpose. Just a night ago, I spent in complete and utter bliss with two of the best people I've ever had the fortune to call my best friends. After an interesting evening at a college play with one, I spent the rest of the night with the other, catching up on the small things, the insignificant things. And somehow, it strengthened those friendships. I suppose what I'm saying is a love such as platonic love can be just as gratifiying, just as fulfilling, and just as important. And it's much safer to know that, whether rain or sun, healthy or ill, your best friends will always be there to cry with you and make fun of your ridiculous obsession with Pretty Little Liars. That's love, ladies and gentleman, plain and simple.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
In Another Life, You Go Unnoticed
College changes you. People said it so often, yet I never truly believed it until I experienced it for myself. It was a truth universally unacknowledged. In my safe little world of high school, I was blissfully aware of how known I was. People knew details of my life because I let it all hang out. I was, in a way, an open book. I thrived on the approval of others and the feeling of being accepted into the society of high school. But once the music of college begins, my friends, that's when the fun truly begins.
It's honestly awe-inspiring, even refreshing, of how unsure of myself I became on my first day of college. The student body of Utah State University is exponentially bigger and, truth be told, I know an incredibly small portion of my own classmates. I'm unknown. I'm a question mark. I pass others on the breezeways and sidewalks who haven't the slightest idea what my name is, who my family is, and what I do in my everyday life. At first, I was so daunted by that notion. I'd worked for 18 years of my life to build up a reputation with the same people I see every single day, and suddenly, all of that had gone away. But think about it for a moment.
Imagine your slate being wiped clean. In high school, I'd hear conversations of fresh starts and clean slates, but at the center of that conversation was a clear lack of sincerity. You still had well formed opinions of people, and whether or not they could change your notions of them was completely up to you. Suddenly, you're stuck in a sea of people who have no idea who you are. You're fresh. You're new. In a way, you've been reborn. There's no need to worry about what others think of you, because frankly, they aren't thinking of you the majority of the time. College is a big hustle and bustle of classes, parties, and dates, and in the middle of all that, I haven't any sort of patience for drama. It just doesn't happen anymore.
In a recent visit back to my alma mater, it blew my mind how absolutely nothing had changed. The same people were worried about the same old things. Crushes and relationships fly to and fro. I never realized until now how incredibly trivial it all really is. I'm being constantly updated of my high school friend's opinions of each other. I mean, heaven forbid if someone flirts with more than one person, that's two hours worth of conversation. In the first five minutes of my very first class on my very first day of college, I was asked out. I was prone to say no, but guess what? Absolutely no one noticed. And if someone had, I doubt they really would have remembered it at the end of the day.
And that's what is so truly wonderful about life these days. I may not be mature, I may not have any wisdom to give, and I surely may not know what I'm doing all of the time. But that's just the point. It's my life to live, and at the end of the day, no one cares now.
It's honestly awe-inspiring, even refreshing, of how unsure of myself I became on my first day of college. The student body of Utah State University is exponentially bigger and, truth be told, I know an incredibly small portion of my own classmates. I'm unknown. I'm a question mark. I pass others on the breezeways and sidewalks who haven't the slightest idea what my name is, who my family is, and what I do in my everyday life. At first, I was so daunted by that notion. I'd worked for 18 years of my life to build up a reputation with the same people I see every single day, and suddenly, all of that had gone away. But think about it for a moment.
Imagine your slate being wiped clean. In high school, I'd hear conversations of fresh starts and clean slates, but at the center of that conversation was a clear lack of sincerity. You still had well formed opinions of people, and whether or not they could change your notions of them was completely up to you. Suddenly, you're stuck in a sea of people who have no idea who you are. You're fresh. You're new. In a way, you've been reborn. There's no need to worry about what others think of you, because frankly, they aren't thinking of you the majority of the time. College is a big hustle and bustle of classes, parties, and dates, and in the middle of all that, I haven't any sort of patience for drama. It just doesn't happen anymore.
In a recent visit back to my alma mater, it blew my mind how absolutely nothing had changed. The same people were worried about the same old things. Crushes and relationships fly to and fro. I never realized until now how incredibly trivial it all really is. I'm being constantly updated of my high school friend's opinions of each other. I mean, heaven forbid if someone flirts with more than one person, that's two hours worth of conversation. In the first five minutes of my very first class on my very first day of college, I was asked out. I was prone to say no, but guess what? Absolutely no one noticed. And if someone had, I doubt they really would have remembered it at the end of the day.
And that's what is so truly wonderful about life these days. I may not be mature, I may not have any wisdom to give, and I surely may not know what I'm doing all of the time. But that's just the point. It's my life to live, and at the end of the day, no one cares now.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
If You Want to Do the People a Favor
In pure, blunt honesty, there's nothing more abhorrent than hearing a friend gripe about their love life for hours on end. Once in a while, perhaps a month or so between venting sessions, I think would be the appropriate time span. Are the dog days of summer worth wasting on someone else? I'm as guilty of it as anyone. I've spent the past month and a half considering every variable, running every moment with a person, trying to come to some sort of cohesive outcome. Perhaps this is it? Or perhaps its a Sunday and I simply have nothing better to do. But the thought has run through my head multiple times.
When I find someone I'm interested in romantically (which seldom ever happens), I'm rather hesitant to pursue it. I guess it could be the numerous years of torturous existence (guys, this is sarcasm) or my wish to avoid any sort of conflict in my life. Having romance for the sake of having romance seems so trivial in the grand scheme of things. At the end of the day, if someone doesn't seem right for you, they aren't right for you. If you've spent hours griping about them to yourself or others, they aren't right for you. To quote Chloe Moretz in 500 Days of Summer, "Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn’t mean she’s your soul mate." And isn't that the truth? Of course we're attracted to those similar to us. A great portion of my friends are just as shrill and gossipy as I am. but romantically? I say try something else for a change.
For example, I'm seldom attracted to people that are homebodies. Surprise to the tea party! I'm a homebody! I'd love to be one of those people who's out every night, doing some sort of crazy activity, leaving things at people's houses, lighting things on fire (I guess I am to a point). But maybe that's who I need in a mate. A person that will do that for me. But then, OH! There's the endless paradox of the universe. We always say we want someone who makes up for all we lack. Is that the right question? Perhaps we need to use the time we'd usually spend griping about romance fixing the problems in question. And what is the problem the majority of the time? Not the other person. You. When someone says, 'It's not you, it's me', it may be them, but it's probably you.
Maybe Michael Jackson was onto something. 'Take a look at yourself and make a change.' There should be no one more important to you in your life than yourself. Keep in mind, I'm speaking exclusively to lovelorn, bedridden teenagers. I can't imagine what a parent must feel about the children. But I digress. If you see a flaw, you change it. You have the amazing power to be your own person, rather than let your feelings for someone else dictate how you spend your days. At the end of the day, you might as well learn to love yourself. You are stuck with you for the rest of your life. I hope you are very happy together.
Admittedly, I'm not much of a romance expert. The closest thing I have to a romantic attachment is my overwhelming love of either Diet Coke, a plate of Nutella Crepes at Village Inn (foodgasm), or Emma Stone. Seriously, the girl can pull off any haircolor. And thigh highs. Granted, she has a worthy rival for my affections in Anne Hathaway. My problems are so real.
When I find someone I'm interested in romantically (which seldom ever happens), I'm rather hesitant to pursue it. I guess it could be the numerous years of torturous existence (guys, this is sarcasm) or my wish to avoid any sort of conflict in my life. Having romance for the sake of having romance seems so trivial in the grand scheme of things. At the end of the day, if someone doesn't seem right for you, they aren't right for you. If you've spent hours griping about them to yourself or others, they aren't right for you. To quote Chloe Moretz in 500 Days of Summer, "Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn’t mean she’s your soul mate." And isn't that the truth? Of course we're attracted to those similar to us. A great portion of my friends are just as shrill and gossipy as I am. but romantically? I say try something else for a change.
For example, I'm seldom attracted to people that are homebodies. Surprise to the tea party! I'm a homebody! I'd love to be one of those people who's out every night, doing some sort of crazy activity, leaving things at people's houses, lighting things on fire (I guess I am to a point). But maybe that's who I need in a mate. A person that will do that for me. But then, OH! There's the endless paradox of the universe. We always say we want someone who makes up for all we lack. Is that the right question? Perhaps we need to use the time we'd usually spend griping about romance fixing the problems in question. And what is the problem the majority of the time? Not the other person. You. When someone says, 'It's not you, it's me', it may be them, but it's probably you.
Maybe Michael Jackson was onto something. 'Take a look at yourself and make a change.' There should be no one more important to you in your life than yourself. Keep in mind, I'm speaking exclusively to lovelorn, bedridden teenagers. I can't imagine what a parent must feel about the children. But I digress. If you see a flaw, you change it. You have the amazing power to be your own person, rather than let your feelings for someone else dictate how you spend your days. At the end of the day, you might as well learn to love yourself. You are stuck with you for the rest of your life. I hope you are very happy together.
Admittedly, I'm not much of a romance expert. The closest thing I have to a romantic attachment is my overwhelming love of either Diet Coke, a plate of Nutella Crepes at Village Inn (foodgasm), or Emma Stone. Seriously, the girl can pull off any haircolor. And thigh highs. Granted, she has a worthy rival for my affections in Anne Hathaway. My problems are so real.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Anything Worth Holding Onto
I know. It's so bogus to blog twice in a day. It's a true testament to how truly droll my summer has been. When my ecstatic excitement over The Dark Knight Rises premiere is the most pressing matter on my mind, I have problems. Or I guess you could say a lack of problems. It's not like life hasn't had any sort of complication since I graduated, but even amidst all the romantic entanglements and friendly jabs, nothing lifechanging has yet to happen. I think about what I had in mind for my last summer being carefree. But suddenly, nothing seems too carefree.
I stress about those I love, even when I know they're perfectly happy. I constantly worry about how I could improve myself, whether physically or mentally. I read like I'm being paid to. In case you're wondering, Sarah Dessen novels and Jane Eyre get tiresome after the 10th or 15th read through. And it's funny, because despite all my boredom, I wouldn't trade this melancholy contentment for any sort of stress I ever felt in high school. I've been told since day one of my freshmen year how incredible the feeling is once you start really growing up, but I had no idea the change I would feel internally (how pragmatic of me!). Even now, thinking back on it, I've changed quite a bit and it's only been a little over a month.
The secret of living, currently, is realizing that I'm no longer the only person I care about. It's mindblowing the people you end up worrying about day to day. People that I truly detested in school, even hated, I now worry I'll lose, while people I saw and mingled with often are suddenly distant, and frankly, unpleasant to be around. In a discussion with a former friend the other night, I realized how easily I had idealized what sort of person they were. This person had been such an important friend near the middle of my senior year, but once I actually removed myself from those old feelings, I saw how manipulative, even caustic they were. I'd made an attempt to reconnect near the end of the year, simply out of some false sense of obligation, and nothing ended up changing. That person had simply become a place in a dusty scrapbook I'll never feel the need to open again.
To quote Roxie Hart from Chicago, I'm older than I ever intended to be. I'm still growing, maturing, almost daily. I've found how easily you can disregard contention with others once you've left the public school system indefinitely. It's interesting to see some people leave it so easily, as though it had absolutely no effect on them, while others cling to those days that were only months ago. I feel sympathy for them. Maybe someday I'll feel that way, but currently, the only sort of connection I still have to my high school life are the friends I've managed to stay connected with after graduating. While some friendships I've kept so easily, I think the ones most important are the ones I fear losing.
I've been lucky to have plans with friends nearly every night of my entire summer. I'm sure that sounds so lofty. 'Ooo, I'm a diva with friends and plans! I haven't the time for silence! Let me giggle at those who spend the night with their cat while I tear through gas and bother my friends much too late at night!' I don't mean to sound that way. But it's incredible who you see yourself becoming in those moments. I've spent quite a bit of my time with people I never thought I would, and I certainly wouldn't trade it for anything.
There's still those moments of adolescent discomfort. I'm an awkward person by nature and my admittedly ridiculous emotional fragility still gets in the way. But I think realizing those things, seeing your weaknesses rather than trying to hide them, is part of growing up. So, to name a few: I drink more Diet Coke than most people would ever suggest. I have, on occasion, talked on the phone while I was in bed. I assume things without any sort of rational thought and, consequently, I have come close to severing some incredibly important friendships because of it. I have trouble believing people have truly forgiven me for the hurt I have caused them.
I think the last one deserves it's own paragraph. Once I turned eighteen (literally the night before), I was reminded by someone who is now one of my best friends that God is still in my life. I'm not usually one to share any sort of spiritual feeling, but without my Heavenly Father, I haven't any sort of idea where I would be, who I'd be associating myself with, and what I'd be smoking. It blows my mind how people can go through life, perfectly happy, yet not believing in any sort of higher power. My purpose for being on this planet is still as big of a mystery to me as it has always been. But I know, with someone always watching over me, hearing my cries for help, I'll find my way.
Well, this post has been a complete 180 of the post I made earlier today (scratch that, yesterday. It's 12:05 currently). I'm not quite sure what sparked this post. But hey, live and learn. Happy Camping!
I stress about those I love, even when I know they're perfectly happy. I constantly worry about how I could improve myself, whether physically or mentally. I read like I'm being paid to. In case you're wondering, Sarah Dessen novels and Jane Eyre get tiresome after the 10th or 15th read through. And it's funny, because despite all my boredom, I wouldn't trade this melancholy contentment for any sort of stress I ever felt in high school. I've been told since day one of my freshmen year how incredible the feeling is once you start really growing up, but I had no idea the change I would feel internally (how pragmatic of me!). Even now, thinking back on it, I've changed quite a bit and it's only been a little over a month.
The secret of living, currently, is realizing that I'm no longer the only person I care about. It's mindblowing the people you end up worrying about day to day. People that I truly detested in school, even hated, I now worry I'll lose, while people I saw and mingled with often are suddenly distant, and frankly, unpleasant to be around. In a discussion with a former friend the other night, I realized how easily I had idealized what sort of person they were. This person had been such an important friend near the middle of my senior year, but once I actually removed myself from those old feelings, I saw how manipulative, even caustic they were. I'd made an attempt to reconnect near the end of the year, simply out of some false sense of obligation, and nothing ended up changing. That person had simply become a place in a dusty scrapbook I'll never feel the need to open again.
To quote Roxie Hart from Chicago, I'm older than I ever intended to be. I'm still growing, maturing, almost daily. I've found how easily you can disregard contention with others once you've left the public school system indefinitely. It's interesting to see some people leave it so easily, as though it had absolutely no effect on them, while others cling to those days that were only months ago. I feel sympathy for them. Maybe someday I'll feel that way, but currently, the only sort of connection I still have to my high school life are the friends I've managed to stay connected with after graduating. While some friendships I've kept so easily, I think the ones most important are the ones I fear losing.
I've been lucky to have plans with friends nearly every night of my entire summer. I'm sure that sounds so lofty. 'Ooo, I'm a diva with friends and plans! I haven't the time for silence! Let me giggle at those who spend the night with their cat while I tear through gas and bother my friends much too late at night!' I don't mean to sound that way. But it's incredible who you see yourself becoming in those moments. I've spent quite a bit of my time with people I never thought I would, and I certainly wouldn't trade it for anything.
There's still those moments of adolescent discomfort. I'm an awkward person by nature and my admittedly ridiculous emotional fragility still gets in the way. But I think realizing those things, seeing your weaknesses rather than trying to hide them, is part of growing up. So, to name a few: I drink more Diet Coke than most people would ever suggest. I have, on occasion, talked on the phone while I was in bed. I assume things without any sort of rational thought and, consequently, I have come close to severing some incredibly important friendships because of it. I have trouble believing people have truly forgiven me for the hurt I have caused them.
I think the last one deserves it's own paragraph. Once I turned eighteen (literally the night before), I was reminded by someone who is now one of my best friends that God is still in my life. I'm not usually one to share any sort of spiritual feeling, but without my Heavenly Father, I haven't any sort of idea where I would be, who I'd be associating myself with, and what I'd be smoking. It blows my mind how people can go through life, perfectly happy, yet not believing in any sort of higher power. My purpose for being on this planet is still as big of a mystery to me as it has always been. But I know, with someone always watching over me, hearing my cries for help, I'll find my way.
Well, this post has been a complete 180 of the post I made earlier today (scratch that, yesterday. It's 12:05 currently). I'm not quite sure what sparked this post. But hey, live and learn. Happy Camping!
The Tigers Do, In Fact, Come At Night
.jpg)
Just (Three-Way) Married!
You know it's been a long summer when this happens in one of your dreams. I've formed the opinion that, in usual circumstances, dreams often have deep, psychological meaning to them. I love the feeling waking up the morning after a question you've been dreading or a choice you've been fearing now seems so simple. Those are the sort of dreams I pray for. To be lucky enough to receive a confirmation or a warning of some sort is always a reminder that God is with us. However, one lazy Sunday night, it seems my dreams had other plans.
I've been known to have my fair share of bizarre dreams on occasion. A few weeks ago, I had a dream that, after a lenghty audition process, I was given the role of Fantine in a local production of Les Miserables. I'm sure I can belt out I Dreamed a Dream just as well as Patti Lupone or Lea Salonga. Can you imagine the raw, powerful emotion I could bring to the song, ala Miss Anne Hathaway? On a side note, if you haven't seen the trailer for the movie adaptation with Anne Hathaway, Hugh Jackman, and Amanda Seyfried, YouTube it. Now. I remember feeling fairly nervous about my audition. After all, who wouldn't be? But once the director heard my rendition of 'Life of the Party' from The Wild Party (YouTube that also), I know she felt what I felt. I was born to play Fantine. Just take a look.
Salonga
Hathaway
Wilson
It's just a given.
Now, back to the dream in question. It's not that I don't find Chris Brown and Lindsay Lohan appealing (isn't Miss Lohan just looking LOVELY lately? Why wouldn't I want a shared husband notoriously infamous for beating up his pop star girlfriend?!), I'm starting to think that, despite what Utah tells me, I might be a bit too young for unholy matrimony. Thankfully, I haven't the 'privilege' of meeting either one of my 'dream' spouses. We lived in a ridiculously large mansion in Beverly Hills, and as I prepared a pizza for dinner that evening, my beloved Husband and Wife began an argument about the thickness of the crust.
My husband Chris Brown was fairly certain that the less popular, Chicago style deep dish pizza was appropriate, while a much drugged up Lindsay Lohan was far more certain a thin, New York style pizza was the answer. A heated argument ensued. As my spouses went to bat, I realized how ridiculous the marriage was in general. I voiced my discomfort with the situation. Chris and Linds (sitcom, anyone?!) turned to me and, in heated anger, both admitted they felt a divorce was appropriate. As tragic as it was, our three-way marriage was coming to an abrupt end, over pizza no less. Yes. Chris Brown and Lindsay Lohan divorced me over pizza crust. Now, I'm not one to point fingers, but WHAT DIVAS! Make your own pizza next time ex-husband/wife!
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
There's a Somebody I'm Longing to See
I could blog about my deep love for this country, or my childish love for fireworks, or my irrevocable love for the hottest days of summer (sincerely). I haven't blogged in a while, due to a dire need to find a job and a selfish need to have a social life. But lately, I'm finding that even when I'm writing for myself, journal or fiction, I find that everything is dripping with the sweet, syrupy sappiness of love and romance. To be frank, I've never really felt or seen true love for myself. Lately, there have been a few close calls, but because of some declarations I've made about myself and some promises I've made to myself and others, romance has never been a goal or a wish. But my mind changes so often, I'm not even sure how I feel about it now.
One of my favorite films for the music and the story is Funny Girl, starring the incomparable Barbra Streisand as Fanny Brice. Miss Brice was a comedienne and performer who was famed for performing in Florenz Ziegfeld's Follies, but the focus of the film is Fanny Brice's courtship and marriage to her first husband Nick Armstein. Mr. Armstein had many troubles with the the law, but throughout the film, Fanny holds to her man steadfast. Even after he leaves her, she's quick to admit she loves him in one of the best performances of a song I've ever seen in a movie musical. Miss Streisand's rendition of the jazz standard My Man is easily one of the best. Only because I watch this film at least 27 times a month, I've been thinking about that song quite a bit lately. For example, a line of lyrics goes as follows.
What's the difference if I say I'll go away
When I know I'll come back on my knee someday
For whatever my man is, I am his forever more
Is this the sort of torture one who is truly in love should have to put themselves through? To be honest, I don't understand that sort of devotion to someone else, especially if it is unrequited. True love should be the moment when someone's life meshes perfectly with yours, not when someone becomes the only important thing IN your life. There's so much that is lost when someone wastes their time in self destructive relationships with people that are clearly not as devoted to the relationship as they are. I've watched friends destroy their own social lives in pursuit of the wrong partner. I've even given up on friendships due to the stress it puts on me as a friend to deal with the constant back and forth of it all. If two people are truly in love, it shouldn't be hard to figure it out. You love each other. You commit to each other when both of you are equally ready. If the timing isn't write, if one person isn't as invested, it's not love.
I realize I'm not one to speak on true love as if I've felt it for myself. It's still one of life's greatest mysteries that I've yet to unlock (at least I'm pretty sure). I'm certainly not closed off to the idea that, perhaps, sometime in the far off future (or somewhat near, who knows), someone might walk into my life that I absolutely can't live without. And when I fall, I'll fall hard. I know I'll hold so tightly to that little shred of hope that, yes, maybe someone can handle all my craziness. Maybe there is someone for me out there. Isn't there someone for everyone?
I think back to my years in high school (not that long ago, I know). I witnessed a lot of couples get together and break up, but only a handful seemed incredibly happy. A couple of friends of mine, in particular, met through show choir their sophomore year and finally began dating midway through their junior year. I look at them, and I see love. It's a sheer delight to be around when two people are confident and trustworthy enough with one another to be happy and to invite others to enjoy their happiness with them. Otherwise, couples that are constantly fighting, constantly considering breakups, constantly wondering if they can trust the other person, that's unhealthy.
That isn't love. Love is the moment you realize that you're worth enough to yourself to finally let someone else see every single bit of you, good and bad. It's that day you turn to someone else and you say, 'You know, I think I'd take a bullet for you,' and you genuinely mean it. I'll never stop believing in the ideal of a perfect romance.
One of my favorite films for the music and the story is Funny Girl, starring the incomparable Barbra Streisand as Fanny Brice. Miss Brice was a comedienne and performer who was famed for performing in Florenz Ziegfeld's Follies, but the focus of the film is Fanny Brice's courtship and marriage to her first husband Nick Armstein. Mr. Armstein had many troubles with the the law, but throughout the film, Fanny holds to her man steadfast. Even after he leaves her, she's quick to admit she loves him in one of the best performances of a song I've ever seen in a movie musical. Miss Streisand's rendition of the jazz standard My Man is easily one of the best. Only because I watch this film at least 27 times a month, I've been thinking about that song quite a bit lately. For example, a line of lyrics goes as follows.
What's the difference if I say I'll go away
When I know I'll come back on my knee someday
For whatever my man is, I am his forever more
Is this the sort of torture one who is truly in love should have to put themselves through? To be honest, I don't understand that sort of devotion to someone else, especially if it is unrequited. True love should be the moment when someone's life meshes perfectly with yours, not when someone becomes the only important thing IN your life. There's so much that is lost when someone wastes their time in self destructive relationships with people that are clearly not as devoted to the relationship as they are. I've watched friends destroy their own social lives in pursuit of the wrong partner. I've even given up on friendships due to the stress it puts on me as a friend to deal with the constant back and forth of it all. If two people are truly in love, it shouldn't be hard to figure it out. You love each other. You commit to each other when both of you are equally ready. If the timing isn't write, if one person isn't as invested, it's not love.
I realize I'm not one to speak on true love as if I've felt it for myself. It's still one of life's greatest mysteries that I've yet to unlock (at least I'm pretty sure). I'm certainly not closed off to the idea that, perhaps, sometime in the far off future (or somewhat near, who knows), someone might walk into my life that I absolutely can't live without. And when I fall, I'll fall hard. I know I'll hold so tightly to that little shred of hope that, yes, maybe someone can handle all my craziness. Maybe there is someone for me out there. Isn't there someone for everyone?
I think back to my years in high school (not that long ago, I know). I witnessed a lot of couples get together and break up, but only a handful seemed incredibly happy. A couple of friends of mine, in particular, met through show choir their sophomore year and finally began dating midway through their junior year. I look at them, and I see love. It's a sheer delight to be around when two people are confident and trustworthy enough with one another to be happy and to invite others to enjoy their happiness with them. Otherwise, couples that are constantly fighting, constantly considering breakups, constantly wondering if they can trust the other person, that's unhealthy.
That isn't love. Love is the moment you realize that you're worth enough to yourself to finally let someone else see every single bit of you, good and bad. It's that day you turn to someone else and you say, 'You know, I think I'd take a bullet for you,' and you genuinely mean it. I'll never stop believing in the ideal of a perfect romance.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)