The honest truth about coming out in a town that's considerably conservative is that it's more terrifying than anyone will ever admit. It's a blessing in disguise, however, one that I'm so grateful I've been able to have. I don't often discuss my own sexuality, as I try to not let it define what others think of me or see of me, but at a time when I'm feeling so proud to feel the way I do and be the way I am, it seems appropriate. However, as a disclaimer, I must warn all those who read this that it may not be as full of pride (overused word #1) as one might think. This truth, whether inconvenient or not, is mine and I am not ashamed of it. But with God and those who love me as witnesses, I hope I can at least shed some light on the situation at hand.
It always scared me when I was in high school to think I may have been different than everyone else. My unique personality was something I was proud of, but feeling a certain way romantically and sexually is a difference that takes time to accept. As with anything, changing is fragile work. Without support, it's nearly impossible for someone to face a change without falling on their face at least once or twice. When I was in high school, I realized my difference near the end of my junior year, a time when I had already been dealing with a multitude of irrelevant adolescent dramas with friends and such. But once I saw the truth and saw how it had already affected my relationships with others, it seemed so frightening that this was something that would ultimately change the entire course of my life, whether I wanted it to or not. Even denial would send me on a different path than I had had in mind.
Not unlike others in my situation, I faced more ridicule than a person should ever have to. A best friend, a person I thought I could trust, shunned me once he learned the truth and tried to make me see that the secret I'd confided in him was nothing but a sin, simply an abomination in his eyes. This friend would torment me, tell others my secret without my permission, and send me threatening and bigoted texts and messages that soon sent me to a darker place than I have ever been. I'd lost a good guy friend before that as well because of what I was ashamed to admit, and I blamed God for their denial of me. On top of that, I faced isolation as I discovered one of my closest girlfriends had some sort of bizarre fascination with humiliating me, as high school girls often do. I was, however, not a high school girl.
This ignorance, this sort of blatant disregard of another person's worthiness in the eyes of God, made me seek out friendships elsewhere, and one in particular with a friend I'd had since 8th grade, gave me the strength I would need to carry on into my senior year. I could improve myself in an effort to see the good things again, rather than hang on to some false disgust in myself. Life wasn't perfect, but it was easier for me to ignore the stares and the rumors. But, unlike others, it wasn't through any sort of denial of a God above me or leaving the religion I'd been raised in.
Religion itself has been a challenge for me, but one so full of rewards and realizations that I'm still unable to deny the testimony I have of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I will admit that I am far from a perfect member, and admittedly at this point in my life, I am fairly inactive, but it is still a truth I cannot deny. Many of those friends who have helped me see the good in myself and have improved my life are members of the church and still have my greatest admiration.
Through the confusing mess of a battle I've had between my sexuality and the religion I still fully believe in, I've been able to meet a plethora of people from every walk of life and every sort of religious point of view that have changed my own foundation. This sort of acceptance of others was based on something I learned very early in life, and it's something we've all heard multiple times.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
In the LGBTQA (did I get all of them?) community, the main goal is acceptance of a lifestyle different from the norm, but the truth of the matter is, I've seen a fair amount of discrimination from that same community towards those who believe in a religion that does not recognize same-gender attraction and marriage as a part of it's own teachings. The truth is, in the LDS faith, marriage is defined as a sacred union between a man and a woman before their Heavenly Father. Despite my own opinions, this is the given law. My own confusion about my stance on either opinion is still flawed and changes day to day, but at the heart of it all, is the simplest solution.
Just mind your own business. To quote Miss Jodie Foster, 'privacy, privacy, privacy'. Decide for yourself how you want to live your life and let others decides for themselves as well.. There is no use in asking for acceptance when you still hold prejudice in your heart, no matter your opinion. To make others see differently will never work. It's easier to see the good in everyone than dwell on the hatred, and honestly, it takes up far more energy than it's worth. Now, I certainly don't have all the answers. I myself am still troubled about which path to follow, or finding some sort of happy medium between the two, but that's my choice to make. I'm still learning about myself, finding inspiration from others, but perhaps at some point, I'll know where I'm supposed to go, but for right now, I'm having a hell of a time finding my way.
