I want someone to finish my sentences. I want that person who sees my flaws and not only accepts them, but offers constructive advice on improving them. I want somebody who knows why I drink three Diet Cokes a day when I myself don't understand it. I've never been one to be so desperate, so desirous of that thing that makes the earth turn slower and the girls stand straighter. But then, there's times like this, It seems so frugile to blog on a subject like love when I myself haven't the slightest idea what it must feel like to put someone so far above yourself. I thought I had, but that went away once I touched back down to Earth. But, as the Beatles said, love is all you need. And perhaps, at the end of the day, that's true.
I see so many people fall in and out of love daily. It's the endless battle, like some sort of emotional zombie that takes everything out of us. Yet, at the end of the day, love seems to be the ultimate prize. If you've ever considered life's many possible adversities, it seems to me many of them center around the search for a partner and the pitfalls one must experience on the way to the sheer bliss of a romance gone right. Is it all worth the risk? Forgive me for sounding like a novel by Nicholas Sparks or Sarah Dessen, however, I do thnk its perfectly acceptable to ask themselves the hard questions. It's a nice change of pace form the usual mundane activities of a lackadaisical day.
If you've ever considered any of your past relationships, it's amazing to see how incredibly blind you were when it came to the other person's fault. Near the end of a recent relationship, I began to notice how the person was using me for useless things like nights spent at the movie theatre or small things like visits to Starbucks and midnight runs to Betos. As commonplace as these ventures sound, the financial strains began to take their toll. I was spending so much time and money on a single person who, at the current moment, I'm not even sure appreciated it. Was that time well spent?
Consider the bright side of it all. I remember a quote from a discussion with a good friend about one of their exes. When I asked how they were feeling, post breakup, the only sentiment they felt the needed to say was simply, 'I'm happy I dated her. I'm happy I'll never have to date her again. I learned a lot of things and it was a good experience overall.' Isn't that the ideal? Admittedly, no matter the person, there will always be a touch of bitterness or resentment towards the respective heartbreaker. But if one can simply look back on the relationship with an optimistic, 'Well that was fun', rather than a much less constructive, 'Oh my word, I can't believe we didn't resolve this, or this, or this, or this, or...'....you catch my drift.
Using someone for the sake of selfish personal gain isn't love. Forcing someone into a situation that's new and uncomfortable certainly isn't love. And betraying someone's trust certainly isn't love. Love should be approached after much though, much consideration, and a deep feeling in the deepest, most tender part of your heart that you'd give anything for this person. A perfect love, if I'm not mistaking, should feel like a dream come true, but a dream that one must be ready for. At any given time in my past, I doubt I've ever been worthy or ready for it. The fake and familiar mask of glutton a partner can wear could easily be mistaken as the guise of true love. It's a beautiful, terrible plague we all succumb to, and once it's over, you can breathe again, look at yourself in the mirror, and simply say, 'I lived. I loved. And I can't wait to do it tomorrow.'
And as you fall in and out of love, so many times a day you think your head will spin so quickly it will fall off, consider those in your life not for a romantic purpose. Just a night ago, I spent in complete and utter bliss with two of the best people I've ever had the fortune to call my best friends. After an interesting evening at a college play with one, I spent the rest of the night with the other, catching up on the small things, the insignificant things. And somehow, it strengthened those friendships. I suppose what I'm saying is a love such as platonic love can be just as gratifiying, just as fulfilling, and just as important. And it's much safer to know that, whether rain or sun, healthy or ill, your best friends will always be there to cry with you and make fun of your ridiculous obsession with Pretty Little Liars. That's love, ladies and gentleman, plain and simple.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Sunday, September 30, 2012
In Another Life, You Go Unnoticed
College changes you. People said it so often, yet I never truly believed it until I experienced it for myself. It was a truth universally unacknowledged. In my safe little world of high school, I was blissfully aware of how known I was. People knew details of my life because I let it all hang out. I was, in a way, an open book. I thrived on the approval of others and the feeling of being accepted into the society of high school. But once the music of college begins, my friends, that's when the fun truly begins.
It's honestly awe-inspiring, even refreshing, of how unsure of myself I became on my first day of college. The student body of Utah State University is exponentially bigger and, truth be told, I know an incredibly small portion of my own classmates. I'm unknown. I'm a question mark. I pass others on the breezeways and sidewalks who haven't the slightest idea what my name is, who my family is, and what I do in my everyday life. At first, I was so daunted by that notion. I'd worked for 18 years of my life to build up a reputation with the same people I see every single day, and suddenly, all of that had gone away. But think about it for a moment.
Imagine your slate being wiped clean. In high school, I'd hear conversations of fresh starts and clean slates, but at the center of that conversation was a clear lack of sincerity. You still had well formed opinions of people, and whether or not they could change your notions of them was completely up to you. Suddenly, you're stuck in a sea of people who have no idea who you are. You're fresh. You're new. In a way, you've been reborn. There's no need to worry about what others think of you, because frankly, they aren't thinking of you the majority of the time. College is a big hustle and bustle of classes, parties, and dates, and in the middle of all that, I haven't any sort of patience for drama. It just doesn't happen anymore.
In a recent visit back to my alma mater, it blew my mind how absolutely nothing had changed. The same people were worried about the same old things. Crushes and relationships fly to and fro. I never realized until now how incredibly trivial it all really is. I'm being constantly updated of my high school friend's opinions of each other. I mean, heaven forbid if someone flirts with more than one person, that's two hours worth of conversation. In the first five minutes of my very first class on my very first day of college, I was asked out. I was prone to say no, but guess what? Absolutely no one noticed. And if someone had, I doubt they really would have remembered it at the end of the day.
And that's what is so truly wonderful about life these days. I may not be mature, I may not have any wisdom to give, and I surely may not know what I'm doing all of the time. But that's just the point. It's my life to live, and at the end of the day, no one cares now.
It's honestly awe-inspiring, even refreshing, of how unsure of myself I became on my first day of college. The student body of Utah State University is exponentially bigger and, truth be told, I know an incredibly small portion of my own classmates. I'm unknown. I'm a question mark. I pass others on the breezeways and sidewalks who haven't the slightest idea what my name is, who my family is, and what I do in my everyday life. At first, I was so daunted by that notion. I'd worked for 18 years of my life to build up a reputation with the same people I see every single day, and suddenly, all of that had gone away. But think about it for a moment.
Imagine your slate being wiped clean. In high school, I'd hear conversations of fresh starts and clean slates, but at the center of that conversation was a clear lack of sincerity. You still had well formed opinions of people, and whether or not they could change your notions of them was completely up to you. Suddenly, you're stuck in a sea of people who have no idea who you are. You're fresh. You're new. In a way, you've been reborn. There's no need to worry about what others think of you, because frankly, they aren't thinking of you the majority of the time. College is a big hustle and bustle of classes, parties, and dates, and in the middle of all that, I haven't any sort of patience for drama. It just doesn't happen anymore.
In a recent visit back to my alma mater, it blew my mind how absolutely nothing had changed. The same people were worried about the same old things. Crushes and relationships fly to and fro. I never realized until now how incredibly trivial it all really is. I'm being constantly updated of my high school friend's opinions of each other. I mean, heaven forbid if someone flirts with more than one person, that's two hours worth of conversation. In the first five minutes of my very first class on my very first day of college, I was asked out. I was prone to say no, but guess what? Absolutely no one noticed. And if someone had, I doubt they really would have remembered it at the end of the day.
And that's what is so truly wonderful about life these days. I may not be mature, I may not have any wisdom to give, and I surely may not know what I'm doing all of the time. But that's just the point. It's my life to live, and at the end of the day, no one cares now.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
If You Want to Do the People a Favor
In pure, blunt honesty, there's nothing more abhorrent than hearing a friend gripe about their love life for hours on end. Once in a while, perhaps a month or so between venting sessions, I think would be the appropriate time span. Are the dog days of summer worth wasting on someone else? I'm as guilty of it as anyone. I've spent the past month and a half considering every variable, running every moment with a person, trying to come to some sort of cohesive outcome. Perhaps this is it? Or perhaps its a Sunday and I simply have nothing better to do. But the thought has run through my head multiple times.
When I find someone I'm interested in romantically (which seldom ever happens), I'm rather hesitant to pursue it. I guess it could be the numerous years of torturous existence (guys, this is sarcasm) or my wish to avoid any sort of conflict in my life. Having romance for the sake of having romance seems so trivial in the grand scheme of things. At the end of the day, if someone doesn't seem right for you, they aren't right for you. If you've spent hours griping about them to yourself or others, they aren't right for you. To quote Chloe Moretz in 500 Days of Summer, "Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn’t mean she’s your soul mate." And isn't that the truth? Of course we're attracted to those similar to us. A great portion of my friends are just as shrill and gossipy as I am. but romantically? I say try something else for a change.
For example, I'm seldom attracted to people that are homebodies. Surprise to the tea party! I'm a homebody! I'd love to be one of those people who's out every night, doing some sort of crazy activity, leaving things at people's houses, lighting things on fire (I guess I am to a point). But maybe that's who I need in a mate. A person that will do that for me. But then, OH! There's the endless paradox of the universe. We always say we want someone who makes up for all we lack. Is that the right question? Perhaps we need to use the time we'd usually spend griping about romance fixing the problems in question. And what is the problem the majority of the time? Not the other person. You. When someone says, 'It's not you, it's me', it may be them, but it's probably you.
Maybe Michael Jackson was onto something. 'Take a look at yourself and make a change.' There should be no one more important to you in your life than yourself. Keep in mind, I'm speaking exclusively to lovelorn, bedridden teenagers. I can't imagine what a parent must feel about the children. But I digress. If you see a flaw, you change it. You have the amazing power to be your own person, rather than let your feelings for someone else dictate how you spend your days. At the end of the day, you might as well learn to love yourself. You are stuck with you for the rest of your life. I hope you are very happy together.
Admittedly, I'm not much of a romance expert. The closest thing I have to a romantic attachment is my overwhelming love of either Diet Coke, a plate of Nutella Crepes at Village Inn (foodgasm), or Emma Stone. Seriously, the girl can pull off any haircolor. And thigh highs. Granted, she has a worthy rival for my affections in Anne Hathaway. My problems are so real.
When I find someone I'm interested in romantically (which seldom ever happens), I'm rather hesitant to pursue it. I guess it could be the numerous years of torturous existence (guys, this is sarcasm) or my wish to avoid any sort of conflict in my life. Having romance for the sake of having romance seems so trivial in the grand scheme of things. At the end of the day, if someone doesn't seem right for you, they aren't right for you. If you've spent hours griping about them to yourself or others, they aren't right for you. To quote Chloe Moretz in 500 Days of Summer, "Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn’t mean she’s your soul mate." And isn't that the truth? Of course we're attracted to those similar to us. A great portion of my friends are just as shrill and gossipy as I am. but romantically? I say try something else for a change.
For example, I'm seldom attracted to people that are homebodies. Surprise to the tea party! I'm a homebody! I'd love to be one of those people who's out every night, doing some sort of crazy activity, leaving things at people's houses, lighting things on fire (I guess I am to a point). But maybe that's who I need in a mate. A person that will do that for me. But then, OH! There's the endless paradox of the universe. We always say we want someone who makes up for all we lack. Is that the right question? Perhaps we need to use the time we'd usually spend griping about romance fixing the problems in question. And what is the problem the majority of the time? Not the other person. You. When someone says, 'It's not you, it's me', it may be them, but it's probably you.
Maybe Michael Jackson was onto something. 'Take a look at yourself and make a change.' There should be no one more important to you in your life than yourself. Keep in mind, I'm speaking exclusively to lovelorn, bedridden teenagers. I can't imagine what a parent must feel about the children. But I digress. If you see a flaw, you change it. You have the amazing power to be your own person, rather than let your feelings for someone else dictate how you spend your days. At the end of the day, you might as well learn to love yourself. You are stuck with you for the rest of your life. I hope you are very happy together.
Admittedly, I'm not much of a romance expert. The closest thing I have to a romantic attachment is my overwhelming love of either Diet Coke, a plate of Nutella Crepes at Village Inn (foodgasm), or Emma Stone. Seriously, the girl can pull off any haircolor. And thigh highs. Granted, she has a worthy rival for my affections in Anne Hathaway. My problems are so real.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Anything Worth Holding Onto
I know. It's so bogus to blog twice in a day. It's a true testament to how truly droll my summer has been. When my ecstatic excitement over The Dark Knight Rises premiere is the most pressing matter on my mind, I have problems. Or I guess you could say a lack of problems. It's not like life hasn't had any sort of complication since I graduated, but even amidst all the romantic entanglements and friendly jabs, nothing lifechanging has yet to happen. I think about what I had in mind for my last summer being carefree. But suddenly, nothing seems too carefree.
I stress about those I love, even when I know they're perfectly happy. I constantly worry about how I could improve myself, whether physically or mentally. I read like I'm being paid to. In case you're wondering, Sarah Dessen novels and Jane Eyre get tiresome after the 10th or 15th read through. And it's funny, because despite all my boredom, I wouldn't trade this melancholy contentment for any sort of stress I ever felt in high school. I've been told since day one of my freshmen year how incredible the feeling is once you start really growing up, but I had no idea the change I would feel internally (how pragmatic of me!). Even now, thinking back on it, I've changed quite a bit and it's only been a little over a month.
The secret of living, currently, is realizing that I'm no longer the only person I care about. It's mindblowing the people you end up worrying about day to day. People that I truly detested in school, even hated, I now worry I'll lose, while people I saw and mingled with often are suddenly distant, and frankly, unpleasant to be around. In a discussion with a former friend the other night, I realized how easily I had idealized what sort of person they were. This person had been such an important friend near the middle of my senior year, but once I actually removed myself from those old feelings, I saw how manipulative, even caustic they were. I'd made an attempt to reconnect near the end of the year, simply out of some false sense of obligation, and nothing ended up changing. That person had simply become a place in a dusty scrapbook I'll never feel the need to open again.
To quote Roxie Hart from Chicago, I'm older than I ever intended to be. I'm still growing, maturing, almost daily. I've found how easily you can disregard contention with others once you've left the public school system indefinitely. It's interesting to see some people leave it so easily, as though it had absolutely no effect on them, while others cling to those days that were only months ago. I feel sympathy for them. Maybe someday I'll feel that way, but currently, the only sort of connection I still have to my high school life are the friends I've managed to stay connected with after graduating. While some friendships I've kept so easily, I think the ones most important are the ones I fear losing.
I've been lucky to have plans with friends nearly every night of my entire summer. I'm sure that sounds so lofty. 'Ooo, I'm a diva with friends and plans! I haven't the time for silence! Let me giggle at those who spend the night with their cat while I tear through gas and bother my friends much too late at night!' I don't mean to sound that way. But it's incredible who you see yourself becoming in those moments. I've spent quite a bit of my time with people I never thought I would, and I certainly wouldn't trade it for anything.
There's still those moments of adolescent discomfort. I'm an awkward person by nature and my admittedly ridiculous emotional fragility still gets in the way. But I think realizing those things, seeing your weaknesses rather than trying to hide them, is part of growing up. So, to name a few: I drink more Diet Coke than most people would ever suggest. I have, on occasion, talked on the phone while I was in bed. I assume things without any sort of rational thought and, consequently, I have come close to severing some incredibly important friendships because of it. I have trouble believing people have truly forgiven me for the hurt I have caused them.
I think the last one deserves it's own paragraph. Once I turned eighteen (literally the night before), I was reminded by someone who is now one of my best friends that God is still in my life. I'm not usually one to share any sort of spiritual feeling, but without my Heavenly Father, I haven't any sort of idea where I would be, who I'd be associating myself with, and what I'd be smoking. It blows my mind how people can go through life, perfectly happy, yet not believing in any sort of higher power. My purpose for being on this planet is still as big of a mystery to me as it has always been. But I know, with someone always watching over me, hearing my cries for help, I'll find my way.
Well, this post has been a complete 180 of the post I made earlier today (scratch that, yesterday. It's 12:05 currently). I'm not quite sure what sparked this post. But hey, live and learn. Happy Camping!
I stress about those I love, even when I know they're perfectly happy. I constantly worry about how I could improve myself, whether physically or mentally. I read like I'm being paid to. In case you're wondering, Sarah Dessen novels and Jane Eyre get tiresome after the 10th or 15th read through. And it's funny, because despite all my boredom, I wouldn't trade this melancholy contentment for any sort of stress I ever felt in high school. I've been told since day one of my freshmen year how incredible the feeling is once you start really growing up, but I had no idea the change I would feel internally (how pragmatic of me!). Even now, thinking back on it, I've changed quite a bit and it's only been a little over a month.
The secret of living, currently, is realizing that I'm no longer the only person I care about. It's mindblowing the people you end up worrying about day to day. People that I truly detested in school, even hated, I now worry I'll lose, while people I saw and mingled with often are suddenly distant, and frankly, unpleasant to be around. In a discussion with a former friend the other night, I realized how easily I had idealized what sort of person they were. This person had been such an important friend near the middle of my senior year, but once I actually removed myself from those old feelings, I saw how manipulative, even caustic they were. I'd made an attempt to reconnect near the end of the year, simply out of some false sense of obligation, and nothing ended up changing. That person had simply become a place in a dusty scrapbook I'll never feel the need to open again.
To quote Roxie Hart from Chicago, I'm older than I ever intended to be. I'm still growing, maturing, almost daily. I've found how easily you can disregard contention with others once you've left the public school system indefinitely. It's interesting to see some people leave it so easily, as though it had absolutely no effect on them, while others cling to those days that were only months ago. I feel sympathy for them. Maybe someday I'll feel that way, but currently, the only sort of connection I still have to my high school life are the friends I've managed to stay connected with after graduating. While some friendships I've kept so easily, I think the ones most important are the ones I fear losing.
I've been lucky to have plans with friends nearly every night of my entire summer. I'm sure that sounds so lofty. 'Ooo, I'm a diva with friends and plans! I haven't the time for silence! Let me giggle at those who spend the night with their cat while I tear through gas and bother my friends much too late at night!' I don't mean to sound that way. But it's incredible who you see yourself becoming in those moments. I've spent quite a bit of my time with people I never thought I would, and I certainly wouldn't trade it for anything.
There's still those moments of adolescent discomfort. I'm an awkward person by nature and my admittedly ridiculous emotional fragility still gets in the way. But I think realizing those things, seeing your weaknesses rather than trying to hide them, is part of growing up. So, to name a few: I drink more Diet Coke than most people would ever suggest. I have, on occasion, talked on the phone while I was in bed. I assume things without any sort of rational thought and, consequently, I have come close to severing some incredibly important friendships because of it. I have trouble believing people have truly forgiven me for the hurt I have caused them.
I think the last one deserves it's own paragraph. Once I turned eighteen (literally the night before), I was reminded by someone who is now one of my best friends that God is still in my life. I'm not usually one to share any sort of spiritual feeling, but without my Heavenly Father, I haven't any sort of idea where I would be, who I'd be associating myself with, and what I'd be smoking. It blows my mind how people can go through life, perfectly happy, yet not believing in any sort of higher power. My purpose for being on this planet is still as big of a mystery to me as it has always been. But I know, with someone always watching over me, hearing my cries for help, I'll find my way.
Well, this post has been a complete 180 of the post I made earlier today (scratch that, yesterday. It's 12:05 currently). I'm not quite sure what sparked this post. But hey, live and learn. Happy Camping!
The Tigers Do, In Fact, Come At Night
.jpg)
Just (Three-Way) Married!
You know it's been a long summer when this happens in one of your dreams. I've formed the opinion that, in usual circumstances, dreams often have deep, psychological meaning to them. I love the feeling waking up the morning after a question you've been dreading or a choice you've been fearing now seems so simple. Those are the sort of dreams I pray for. To be lucky enough to receive a confirmation or a warning of some sort is always a reminder that God is with us. However, one lazy Sunday night, it seems my dreams had other plans.
I've been known to have my fair share of bizarre dreams on occasion. A few weeks ago, I had a dream that, after a lenghty audition process, I was given the role of Fantine in a local production of Les Miserables. I'm sure I can belt out I Dreamed a Dream just as well as Patti Lupone or Lea Salonga. Can you imagine the raw, powerful emotion I could bring to the song, ala Miss Anne Hathaway? On a side note, if you haven't seen the trailer for the movie adaptation with Anne Hathaway, Hugh Jackman, and Amanda Seyfried, YouTube it. Now. I remember feeling fairly nervous about my audition. After all, who wouldn't be? But once the director heard my rendition of 'Life of the Party' from The Wild Party (YouTube that also), I know she felt what I felt. I was born to play Fantine. Just take a look.
Salonga
Hathaway
Wilson
It's just a given.
Now, back to the dream in question. It's not that I don't find Chris Brown and Lindsay Lohan appealing (isn't Miss Lohan just looking LOVELY lately? Why wouldn't I want a shared husband notoriously infamous for beating up his pop star girlfriend?!), I'm starting to think that, despite what Utah tells me, I might be a bit too young for unholy matrimony. Thankfully, I haven't the 'privilege' of meeting either one of my 'dream' spouses. We lived in a ridiculously large mansion in Beverly Hills, and as I prepared a pizza for dinner that evening, my beloved Husband and Wife began an argument about the thickness of the crust.
My husband Chris Brown was fairly certain that the less popular, Chicago style deep dish pizza was appropriate, while a much drugged up Lindsay Lohan was far more certain a thin, New York style pizza was the answer. A heated argument ensued. As my spouses went to bat, I realized how ridiculous the marriage was in general. I voiced my discomfort with the situation. Chris and Linds (sitcom, anyone?!) turned to me and, in heated anger, both admitted they felt a divorce was appropriate. As tragic as it was, our three-way marriage was coming to an abrupt end, over pizza no less. Yes. Chris Brown and Lindsay Lohan divorced me over pizza crust. Now, I'm not one to point fingers, but WHAT DIVAS! Make your own pizza next time ex-husband/wife!
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
There's a Somebody I'm Longing to See
I could blog about my deep love for this country, or my childish love for fireworks, or my irrevocable love for the hottest days of summer (sincerely). I haven't blogged in a while, due to a dire need to find a job and a selfish need to have a social life. But lately, I'm finding that even when I'm writing for myself, journal or fiction, I find that everything is dripping with the sweet, syrupy sappiness of love and romance. To be frank, I've never really felt or seen true love for myself. Lately, there have been a few close calls, but because of some declarations I've made about myself and some promises I've made to myself and others, romance has never been a goal or a wish. But my mind changes so often, I'm not even sure how I feel about it now.
One of my favorite films for the music and the story is Funny Girl, starring the incomparable Barbra Streisand as Fanny Brice. Miss Brice was a comedienne and performer who was famed for performing in Florenz Ziegfeld's Follies, but the focus of the film is Fanny Brice's courtship and marriage to her first husband Nick Armstein. Mr. Armstein had many troubles with the the law, but throughout the film, Fanny holds to her man steadfast. Even after he leaves her, she's quick to admit she loves him in one of the best performances of a song I've ever seen in a movie musical. Miss Streisand's rendition of the jazz standard My Man is easily one of the best. Only because I watch this film at least 27 times a month, I've been thinking about that song quite a bit lately. For example, a line of lyrics goes as follows.
What's the difference if I say I'll go away
When I know I'll come back on my knee someday
For whatever my man is, I am his forever more
Is this the sort of torture one who is truly in love should have to put themselves through? To be honest, I don't understand that sort of devotion to someone else, especially if it is unrequited. True love should be the moment when someone's life meshes perfectly with yours, not when someone becomes the only important thing IN your life. There's so much that is lost when someone wastes their time in self destructive relationships with people that are clearly not as devoted to the relationship as they are. I've watched friends destroy their own social lives in pursuit of the wrong partner. I've even given up on friendships due to the stress it puts on me as a friend to deal with the constant back and forth of it all. If two people are truly in love, it shouldn't be hard to figure it out. You love each other. You commit to each other when both of you are equally ready. If the timing isn't write, if one person isn't as invested, it's not love.
I realize I'm not one to speak on true love as if I've felt it for myself. It's still one of life's greatest mysteries that I've yet to unlock (at least I'm pretty sure). I'm certainly not closed off to the idea that, perhaps, sometime in the far off future (or somewhat near, who knows), someone might walk into my life that I absolutely can't live without. And when I fall, I'll fall hard. I know I'll hold so tightly to that little shred of hope that, yes, maybe someone can handle all my craziness. Maybe there is someone for me out there. Isn't there someone for everyone?
I think back to my years in high school (not that long ago, I know). I witnessed a lot of couples get together and break up, but only a handful seemed incredibly happy. A couple of friends of mine, in particular, met through show choir their sophomore year and finally began dating midway through their junior year. I look at them, and I see love. It's a sheer delight to be around when two people are confident and trustworthy enough with one another to be happy and to invite others to enjoy their happiness with them. Otherwise, couples that are constantly fighting, constantly considering breakups, constantly wondering if they can trust the other person, that's unhealthy.
That isn't love. Love is the moment you realize that you're worth enough to yourself to finally let someone else see every single bit of you, good and bad. It's that day you turn to someone else and you say, 'You know, I think I'd take a bullet for you,' and you genuinely mean it. I'll never stop believing in the ideal of a perfect romance.
One of my favorite films for the music and the story is Funny Girl, starring the incomparable Barbra Streisand as Fanny Brice. Miss Brice was a comedienne and performer who was famed for performing in Florenz Ziegfeld's Follies, but the focus of the film is Fanny Brice's courtship and marriage to her first husband Nick Armstein. Mr. Armstein had many troubles with the the law, but throughout the film, Fanny holds to her man steadfast. Even after he leaves her, she's quick to admit she loves him in one of the best performances of a song I've ever seen in a movie musical. Miss Streisand's rendition of the jazz standard My Man is easily one of the best. Only because I watch this film at least 27 times a month, I've been thinking about that song quite a bit lately. For example, a line of lyrics goes as follows.
What's the difference if I say I'll go away
When I know I'll come back on my knee someday
For whatever my man is, I am his forever more
Is this the sort of torture one who is truly in love should have to put themselves through? To be honest, I don't understand that sort of devotion to someone else, especially if it is unrequited. True love should be the moment when someone's life meshes perfectly with yours, not when someone becomes the only important thing IN your life. There's so much that is lost when someone wastes their time in self destructive relationships with people that are clearly not as devoted to the relationship as they are. I've watched friends destroy their own social lives in pursuit of the wrong partner. I've even given up on friendships due to the stress it puts on me as a friend to deal with the constant back and forth of it all. If two people are truly in love, it shouldn't be hard to figure it out. You love each other. You commit to each other when both of you are equally ready. If the timing isn't write, if one person isn't as invested, it's not love.
I realize I'm not one to speak on true love as if I've felt it for myself. It's still one of life's greatest mysteries that I've yet to unlock (at least I'm pretty sure). I'm certainly not closed off to the idea that, perhaps, sometime in the far off future (or somewhat near, who knows), someone might walk into my life that I absolutely can't live without. And when I fall, I'll fall hard. I know I'll hold so tightly to that little shred of hope that, yes, maybe someone can handle all my craziness. Maybe there is someone for me out there. Isn't there someone for everyone?
I think back to my years in high school (not that long ago, I know). I witnessed a lot of couples get together and break up, but only a handful seemed incredibly happy. A couple of friends of mine, in particular, met through show choir their sophomore year and finally began dating midway through their junior year. I look at them, and I see love. It's a sheer delight to be around when two people are confident and trustworthy enough with one another to be happy and to invite others to enjoy their happiness with them. Otherwise, couples that are constantly fighting, constantly considering breakups, constantly wondering if they can trust the other person, that's unhealthy.
That isn't love. Love is the moment you realize that you're worth enough to yourself to finally let someone else see every single bit of you, good and bad. It's that day you turn to someone else and you say, 'You know, I think I'd take a bullet for you,' and you genuinely mean it. I'll never stop believing in the ideal of a perfect romance.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Cinnamon Rolls, But Does It Rock?
At times, I sincerely hope that my blog won't become a forum where I simply vent all my stresses and problems to the general public. I've never found that entertaining. A post like that once in a while is fine, I suppose, but I'd rather not use this blog like the door of a toilet stall in a high school girl's bathroom (I've never seen one, I've just heard stories). If, somehow, my words become too negative or sound far too melancholy to not be exaggerated, please let me know. And now, onto the topics of the week.
As of lately, it seems Facebook has been ablaze with discussion over a controversial blog post by a homosexual man who is also faithfully LDS and raising kids with his, gasp, wife of ten years. I was sent a link to this post by a dear friend who, as luck would have it, happens to be one of the most NON judgmental people I know. Naturally, as my circumstances are somewhat similar (and by that, I totally mean I've been married for ten years and I have two kids *nudge* *nudge*), I was interested. I'm sure many of you have read it. Not so surprisingly, it's incredibly eye opening. This man and his wife have lived happily together with the knowledge that he was, in fact, born as gay as the day is long (the days are even longer in June, just saying). I would like to offer my condolences to this man, not that he will ever read this. I can't imagine how much strength that must have taken him to admit. Also, if you live under a rock and you haven't read the article), I'll put a link at the end of my blog. It's been pressing on my mind since I read it and, while thinking of how I would give my opinion in a semi-professional way, I remembered that I have a blog. OH LOOK AT THAT! CRAZY!
The past few months, I've noticed how much more supportive the country as a whole has become in favor of Civil Rights. We're moving towards a more accepting society, rather than stepping backward like our butter churning forefathers. Now, I'm not a whore for controversy, but my ONLY problem with the progression of our nation is once teency...tiny...baby thing. Just a little thing...OH MY WORD PEOPLE! Okay, while I get that the LDS church isn't necessarily promoting the lifestyle of the nation's LGBTQ community, but it's not the only establishment of people against it. If those of us who support Civil Rights begin antagonizing those of us who also believe in some form of a higher power, I see that as incredibly hypocritical.
I realize that, yes, we shouldn't judge the LGBTQ community (I know, everyone is SO shocked I support civil rights). But really, we shouldn't scorn those people who participate in religion as Conservative Morons and Unaccepting, Right Wing pinheads. Pointing fingers for the sake of pointing fingers should be saved for pointing out that someone has food in their teeth, not blaming an entire religion (or state) for general homophobia. If someone is homophobic, its their problem. It's crazy, but you don't have to talk to them or try to change their opinion. If you have any sort of difference from a typical straight, white person, claiming that everyone is against you only makes them want to be against you. And this isn't just toward homophobia. Racism, sexism, ageism. I understand that there are degenerate morons who still feel that way towards those specific populations, but if one simply claims that the entire civilization feels that way, if makes you seem uneducated and, frankly, kind of pathetic. Almost all of the time, if someone doesn't like you, they feel that way because you are annoying. Nothing more than that.
On a lighter note, IS THERE ANYTHING BETTER THAN CREAM CHEESE FROSTING?! I prepared a batch of Ina Garten's cream cheese frosting for a tray of homemade cinnamon rolls (I know, foodgasm) and, honest to Zeus, I could eat the entire bowl. With my mouth.
And, to close, here's the link to that blog. It's long, but you can read. So read it.
http://www.joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-in-which-i-come-out-of.html?spref=fb
As of lately, it seems Facebook has been ablaze with discussion over a controversial blog post by a homosexual man who is also faithfully LDS and raising kids with his, gasp, wife of ten years. I was sent a link to this post by a dear friend who, as luck would have it, happens to be one of the most NON judgmental people I know. Naturally, as my circumstances are somewhat similar (and by that, I totally mean I've been married for ten years and I have two kids *nudge* *nudge*), I was interested. I'm sure many of you have read it. Not so surprisingly, it's incredibly eye opening. This man and his wife have lived happily together with the knowledge that he was, in fact, born as gay as the day is long (the days are even longer in June, just saying). I would like to offer my condolences to this man, not that he will ever read this. I can't imagine how much strength that must have taken him to admit. Also, if you live under a rock and you haven't read the article), I'll put a link at the end of my blog. It's been pressing on my mind since I read it and, while thinking of how I would give my opinion in a semi-professional way, I remembered that I have a blog. OH LOOK AT THAT! CRAZY!
The past few months, I've noticed how much more supportive the country as a whole has become in favor of Civil Rights. We're moving towards a more accepting society, rather than stepping backward like our butter churning forefathers. Now, I'm not a whore for controversy, but my ONLY problem with the progression of our nation is once teency...tiny...baby thing. Just a little thing...OH MY WORD PEOPLE! Okay, while I get that the LDS church isn't necessarily promoting the lifestyle of the nation's LGBTQ community, but it's not the only establishment of people against it. If those of us who support Civil Rights begin antagonizing those of us who also believe in some form of a higher power, I see that as incredibly hypocritical.
I realize that, yes, we shouldn't judge the LGBTQ community (I know, everyone is SO shocked I support civil rights). But really, we shouldn't scorn those people who participate in religion as Conservative Morons and Unaccepting, Right Wing pinheads. Pointing fingers for the sake of pointing fingers should be saved for pointing out that someone has food in their teeth, not blaming an entire religion (or state) for general homophobia. If someone is homophobic, its their problem. It's crazy, but you don't have to talk to them or try to change their opinion. If you have any sort of difference from a typical straight, white person, claiming that everyone is against you only makes them want to be against you. And this isn't just toward homophobia. Racism, sexism, ageism. I understand that there are degenerate morons who still feel that way towards those specific populations, but if one simply claims that the entire civilization feels that way, if makes you seem uneducated and, frankly, kind of pathetic. Almost all of the time, if someone doesn't like you, they feel that way because you are annoying. Nothing more than that.
On a lighter note, IS THERE ANYTHING BETTER THAN CREAM CHEESE FROSTING?! I prepared a batch of Ina Garten's cream cheese frosting for a tray of homemade cinnamon rolls (I know, foodgasm) and, honest to Zeus, I could eat the entire bowl. With my mouth.
And, to close, here's the link to that blog. It's long, but you can read. So read it.
http://www.joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-in-which-i-come-out-of.html?spref=fb
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Before We Turn to Stone: A Note Before I Graduate
In true Brock Christian Wilson fashion, I'm sitting on my computer at 11:17 at night, with a Diet Coke in tow. Turn to Stone by Ingrid Michaelson is playing on repeat (surprise, I know, considering the title of my post) and I felt the need to blog. I'm graduating from high school tomorrow. While it won't be the most incredible thing that will ever happen in my life, I haven't gone through a transition like this before. The physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional stress I have felt in the past few weeks have been more intense than anything I've ever felt in my life. It's hard for me to think about tomorrow, but I know now that I have to face it like a brave little diva, rather than a wimpy freshman (no offense, but freshman are wimpy).
When I think back on the 2011-2012 school year, I remember how incredibly diverse it was month to month. Most of the time, I was as happy as a clam. Sky View High School was my playground and I fully intended to work hard and play hard. There was nothing I couldn't do. This, my friends, is a notion I think everyone has as they begin their senior year. It seems so cliche to say it, but you really are the top dog when you are a senior. By then, no one really cares about what anyone else is doing and everyone just kind of accepts that crap happens and you move on. It's so fascinating when you notice that the entire class is maturing as a whole. You say you wouldn't ever conform, but you do regardless. You have to accept the fact that things change. And usually, they are changing for the better.
There are so many good, incredible people I've met through my high school career, but my senior year was packed to the rafters with examples of who I want to be when I grow up. Amazingly enough, if you pause long enough to look around, you can find those people where you least expect them. I remember meeting one girl in my Psychology class who, come to find out, was so much smarter than anybody would ever give her credit for. It astounded me that nobody had noticed before. Another, I met through Encore, and he became one of the best friends I will ever have. And he plays (epic gasp) a sport. Yeah. I, Brock Christian Wilson, the effeminate diva with a heart of bronze (gold is too good for me, let's be real), am friends with a jock. I never thought the day would come.
It's also at this point that, despite my better judgment, I'd like to finally admit something. Most of you know, and you're probably the only people who will actually read this. I've been called so many derogatory terms and so many horrible things over the years for choices I've made and things I've come to accept about myself. But with mocking comes growth. I've realized that my personal life is my personal life. I'm sure you get what I'm saying, so I don't feel the need to make an actual confession. It is none of your freaking business. :)
As I've been growing up, I've realized that I haven't been as good of a person as my mommy raised me to be. I'm not the son she wished for and I accept that. I don't think any of us are quite what our parents expected. We're loud, we smell, we're kind of slutty at times. But, to quote my dear Ke$ha, we are who we are (I refuse to spell it like she does). If we can find the worse parts of ourselves, then we can know what to improve. For those I've hurt over the years, I'm truly sorry. At times, I can be a horrid person.
The last thing may be the most important. I may lose some of my readers (are there any?!) with this, but I don't really care. I, Brock Christian Wilson, owe my happiness and everything I have been blessed with to my Heavenly Father. The Gospel is true and it is the only way any of us can find happiness in our lives. This may seem so ridiculous coming from me (or anyone), but I don't say this in gest. I am proud to admit I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I really don't know who I would have been in high school without it.
So, this is me. I'm graduating. I'm a diva. I have an addiction to Diet Coke. I'm twenty pounds overweight, although I tell people it's five. I'm a lot shorter than I like to think I am. I've never seriously dated anyone. I believe Pretty Little Liars is the best show on television. I'm a gossip. I hold onto the past much more than anyone should, but I'm working on it. And I'm a Mormon (hahahahahahah get it, like those videos?!).
When I think back on the 2011-2012 school year, I remember how incredibly diverse it was month to month. Most of the time, I was as happy as a clam. Sky View High School was my playground and I fully intended to work hard and play hard. There was nothing I couldn't do. This, my friends, is a notion I think everyone has as they begin their senior year. It seems so cliche to say it, but you really are the top dog when you are a senior. By then, no one really cares about what anyone else is doing and everyone just kind of accepts that crap happens and you move on. It's so fascinating when you notice that the entire class is maturing as a whole. You say you wouldn't ever conform, but you do regardless. You have to accept the fact that things change. And usually, they are changing for the better.
There are so many good, incredible people I've met through my high school career, but my senior year was packed to the rafters with examples of who I want to be when I grow up. Amazingly enough, if you pause long enough to look around, you can find those people where you least expect them. I remember meeting one girl in my Psychology class who, come to find out, was so much smarter than anybody would ever give her credit for. It astounded me that nobody had noticed before. Another, I met through Encore, and he became one of the best friends I will ever have. And he plays (epic gasp) a sport. Yeah. I, Brock Christian Wilson, the effeminate diva with a heart of bronze (gold is too good for me, let's be real), am friends with a jock. I never thought the day would come.
It's also at this point that, despite my better judgment, I'd like to finally admit something. Most of you know, and you're probably the only people who will actually read this. I've been called so many derogatory terms and so many horrible things over the years for choices I've made and things I've come to accept about myself. But with mocking comes growth. I've realized that my personal life is my personal life. I'm sure you get what I'm saying, so I don't feel the need to make an actual confession. It is none of your freaking business. :)
As I've been growing up, I've realized that I haven't been as good of a person as my mommy raised me to be. I'm not the son she wished for and I accept that. I don't think any of us are quite what our parents expected. We're loud, we smell, we're kind of slutty at times. But, to quote my dear Ke$ha, we are who we are (I refuse to spell it like she does). If we can find the worse parts of ourselves, then we can know what to improve. For those I've hurt over the years, I'm truly sorry. At times, I can be a horrid person.
The last thing may be the most important. I may lose some of my readers (are there any?!) with this, but I don't really care. I, Brock Christian Wilson, owe my happiness and everything I have been blessed with to my Heavenly Father. The Gospel is true and it is the only way any of us can find happiness in our lives. This may seem so ridiculous coming from me (or anyone), but I don't say this in gest. I am proud to admit I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I really don't know who I would have been in high school without it.
So, this is me. I'm graduating. I'm a diva. I have an addiction to Diet Coke. I'm twenty pounds overweight, although I tell people it's five. I'm a lot shorter than I like to think I am. I've never seriously dated anyone. I believe Pretty Little Liars is the best show on television. I'm a gossip. I hold onto the past much more than anyone should, but I'm working on it. And I'm a Mormon (hahahahahahah get it, like those videos?!).
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Does This Gown Bring Out My Backfat?
As I'm preparing for the perils of REAL LIFE as I move towards my high school graduation, I am finding that I keep hitting all of these milestones that continue to remind me that I will soon be responsible for myself. In a perfect life, I'd graduate high school with a perfect idea of where I will work for the summer and exactly where I will be travelling. Even my free days would be perfectly scheduled with hour by hour appointments with friends I won't see as much once I begin attending USU (major in Journalism with an emphasis on Print Publication, Minor in Gender Studies!).
The other day, I went on a walkabout around campus with my best girlfriend Tacie Lynn Hyer. It was, at first, a trivial night of Jamba's and gossip, but as we began our hour long stroll about the Utah State campus, I realized how soon I will be a student there. Peeps, this is some big shizz. I'mma be a college student. Break out the bedsheets, I'm ready for the toga parties!
In a week full of auditions, concerts, and closing banquets and socials, I've been looking for some sort of reminder that moving on is, in fact, going to be a positive thing. Today, however, that reminder was found. Before I left Sky View to go to my usual lunch spot (I think it was Pizza Plus today...not sure though), I went to pick up my cap and gown. Yeah, my graduation cap and gown. It's such a beautiful thing. I suppose this post seems so gushy, but when you think about it, it really is an amazing thing.
I reflect so often these days on my years in public school. I think of all the people I've met, the classes I've taken, and the events that have taken place. If you compared Senior Brock Christian Wilson to Freshman Brock Christian Wilson, I'm not even sure they would get along. First of all, Freshman Brock Christian Wilson was adequately skinnier than Senior Brock Christian Wilson, that slut. But other than that, I've truly realized how much a person can grow in four years.
On the lighter side of things, it's recently come to my attention that I've been losing weight. It was first brought to my attention by my parents back in February, but the other day as I sprung up the stairs to the kitchen, I had a revelation of the grandest kind. MY BACK WASN'T JIGGLING! No matter how high or far I jump now, my back stops moving when the rest of me does. It's a beautiful thing.
Loves and Z-Snaps,
Brock Christian Wilson
The other day, I went on a walkabout around campus with my best girlfriend Tacie Lynn Hyer. It was, at first, a trivial night of Jamba's and gossip, but as we began our hour long stroll about the Utah State campus, I realized how soon I will be a student there. Peeps, this is some big shizz. I'mma be a college student. Break out the bedsheets, I'm ready for the toga parties!
In a week full of auditions, concerts, and closing banquets and socials, I've been looking for some sort of reminder that moving on is, in fact, going to be a positive thing. Today, however, that reminder was found. Before I left Sky View to go to my usual lunch spot (I think it was Pizza Plus today...not sure though), I went to pick up my cap and gown. Yeah, my graduation cap and gown. It's such a beautiful thing. I suppose this post seems so gushy, but when you think about it, it really is an amazing thing.
I reflect so often these days on my years in public school. I think of all the people I've met, the classes I've taken, and the events that have taken place. If you compared Senior Brock Christian Wilson to Freshman Brock Christian Wilson, I'm not even sure they would get along. First of all, Freshman Brock Christian Wilson was adequately skinnier than Senior Brock Christian Wilson, that slut. But other than that, I've truly realized how much a person can grow in four years.
On the lighter side of things, it's recently come to my attention that I've been losing weight. It was first brought to my attention by my parents back in February, but the other day as I sprung up the stairs to the kitchen, I had a revelation of the grandest kind. MY BACK WASN'T JIGGLING! No matter how high or far I jump now, my back stops moving when the rest of me does. It's a beautiful thing.
Loves and Z-Snaps,
Brock Christian Wilson
Thursday, May 3, 2012
When the Mama Bear Comes Out
To be frank, I've become a fairly socially capable person as I've grown up. I pride myself in being able to talk to and tolerate most kinds of people. I can endure most kinds of personalities and, to be honest, I have an incredibly diverse group of people that I call my close friends. I enjoy it very much. However, with a large number of friends comes a lot a people to keep tabs on. I don't mind this. I think caring for a fair amount of people keeps your own self involvement in check. If you are involved in other's lives, you won't be so wrapped up in yourself. That brings me to my topic this week.
As I move towards my last days of high school (thank the deities above), I would like to take a short moment to complain about one thing that has been bothering me lately. I'm not usually an incredibly whiny person (hahaha people who know me really well just peed from the laughter), but something has been eating away at my smaller than average brain. I, my friends, have discovered a new pet peeve. I've never had this problem before, but I'm finding it to be increasingly distracting.
If you mess with someone I love, lately, I've been getting incredibly defensive of them. For evidence that this is becoming a common occurence in my own life, I offer the following examples:
Example #1: A Kiss With a Fist Is Better Than None
We all have one in our own lives. We're all friends with that couple we all know should have broken up about two years ago, even if they've only been dating for a few days or weeks. Peeps, do your friends a favor. If one of you or both of you are friends with someone, don't complain to them about your relationship. Also, if you are friends with your significant other's close friends on some sort of online social media, do not complain about them in your status or pins or what have you. It pisses them off. It makes them want to cut you, Diva style. It also shows an incredible lack of class. Complaining about a relationship where everyone can see it is about as classy as Lindsay Lohan. Have you seen her teeth lately?
Example #2: You Know You Hate Me, XOXO
I always enjoy when people pride themselves in knowing my life better than I do. It's always the cherry on top of a perfect day when you learn things you didn't even know were happening in your own life from someone who has apparently been talking about the supposed event for days. Oh yes, my friends. The Gossip. Now don't get me wrong, I love my own share of gossip. It's what I live for. Put me in a headband and I'm Gossip Girl's Blair Waldorf. And I've had my fair share of rumors about me spread (surprise to the tea party, I know). But when someone decides to spread a rumor about not only me, but a friend of mine that they don't even know, that's when the claws are coming out. And if you want to throw down, make sure you're intimidating. I'm not a fighter, but when I'm more physically imposing and we're of equal masculinity (not much), don't test me.
Example #3: Make Out Kids Never Had a Chance to Be Best Friends
This is the less incriminating example. I don't think this one will offend people, as much. If you are a good friend of mine, and you come to be in a successful relationship that makes you truly happy, I'm not going to judge. I'll be happy for you. I'm pretty nonjudgmental. But when you are close friends with both halves of a couple, it's difficult at times. If one of you isn't commiting as much as the other, tell your significant other. Don't tell your mutual friends. It puts them in an incredibly awkward position. If one of my girlfriends told me that she wanted to marry my guy friend, but he expresses that he's attracted to someone besides her, what kind of position does that put me in? Especially in high school. True love is an attractive myth that I highly doubt one can find in high school. I realize that sounds so cynical, but I've seen it happen. And while two of my siblings are, in fact, happily married to their high school sweethearts (with babies), that's almost never how it works out. Just keep your problems between the two of you, or designate friends who aren't involved in your significant other's daily lives as well as yours.
When I love someone, I'll do anything to keep them happy. If they care about me, I feel obliged to show that I care about them just as much. So if you want to stay on my good side, make them happy too, capiche?! If not, Diva el Zorro might appear at your door and snap in a Z formation.
P.S. Diva El Zorro is me.
As I move towards my last days of high school (thank the deities above), I would like to take a short moment to complain about one thing that has been bothering me lately. I'm not usually an incredibly whiny person (hahaha people who know me really well just peed from the laughter), but something has been eating away at my smaller than average brain. I, my friends, have discovered a new pet peeve. I've never had this problem before, but I'm finding it to be increasingly distracting.
If you mess with someone I love, lately, I've been getting incredibly defensive of them. For evidence that this is becoming a common occurence in my own life, I offer the following examples:
Example #1: A Kiss With a Fist Is Better Than None
We all have one in our own lives. We're all friends with that couple we all know should have broken up about two years ago, even if they've only been dating for a few days or weeks. Peeps, do your friends a favor. If one of you or both of you are friends with someone, don't complain to them about your relationship. Also, if you are friends with your significant other's close friends on some sort of online social media, do not complain about them in your status or pins or what have you. It pisses them off. It makes them want to cut you, Diva style. It also shows an incredible lack of class. Complaining about a relationship where everyone can see it is about as classy as Lindsay Lohan. Have you seen her teeth lately?
Example #2: You Know You Hate Me, XOXO
I always enjoy when people pride themselves in knowing my life better than I do. It's always the cherry on top of a perfect day when you learn things you didn't even know were happening in your own life from someone who has apparently been talking about the supposed event for days. Oh yes, my friends. The Gossip. Now don't get me wrong, I love my own share of gossip. It's what I live for. Put me in a headband and I'm Gossip Girl's Blair Waldorf. And I've had my fair share of rumors about me spread (surprise to the tea party, I know). But when someone decides to spread a rumor about not only me, but a friend of mine that they don't even know, that's when the claws are coming out. And if you want to throw down, make sure you're intimidating. I'm not a fighter, but when I'm more physically imposing and we're of equal masculinity (not much), don't test me.
Example #3: Make Out Kids Never Had a Chance to Be Best Friends
This is the less incriminating example. I don't think this one will offend people, as much. If you are a good friend of mine, and you come to be in a successful relationship that makes you truly happy, I'm not going to judge. I'll be happy for you. I'm pretty nonjudgmental. But when you are close friends with both halves of a couple, it's difficult at times. If one of you isn't commiting as much as the other, tell your significant other. Don't tell your mutual friends. It puts them in an incredibly awkward position. If one of my girlfriends told me that she wanted to marry my guy friend, but he expresses that he's attracted to someone besides her, what kind of position does that put me in? Especially in high school. True love is an attractive myth that I highly doubt one can find in high school. I realize that sounds so cynical, but I've seen it happen. And while two of my siblings are, in fact, happily married to their high school sweethearts (with babies), that's almost never how it works out. Just keep your problems between the two of you, or designate friends who aren't involved in your significant other's daily lives as well as yours.
When I love someone, I'll do anything to keep them happy. If they care about me, I feel obliged to show that I care about them just as much. So if you want to stay on my good side, make them happy too, capiche?! If not, Diva el Zorro might appear at your door and snap in a Z formation.
P.S. Diva El Zorro is me.
Monday, April 9, 2012
The Vicious Kind
Note: This is the poem I wrote for the literary magazine 'The Catalyst' at Sky View High School. Keep in mind, I am not a poet, nor do I usually write poems. But once in a while, if the emotions demand it, I find there is no other way to satisfy my thirst.
There’s that vicious kind of love
Where all you can do is hurt yourself
You’ve grown so use to indulging the other
You’ve forgotten the pleasures of self indulgence
And as the Earth turns,
People progress
Life changes
But you remain, constantly immovable
We all see your internal bleeding
Your love
It domineers your psyche
Tells you how to suffer
Is love worth the bruises?
You’re covered in lies and rumors
Your love speaks of fidelity as casually as acquaintance
And yet you fail to see anything but perfection in the most
imperfect being
If your love is all love, I don’t want it
I’ve been born anew from your ashes
Like some prodigal phoenix
I fly above it all
The sky turns to horizon as the hopes of freedom uncover the
truth I hid my eyes from
You aren’t the one I want to waste my summers with
You’re far too fragile
Love has dug its claws deep inside you
And stripped you
Bare crimson flesh on display
For all the world’s fast moving fliers to see
Maybe I’ll swoop in someday
I’ll hope to see you happy
I’ll hope that love hasn’t ripped you completely to shreds
I hope, in a mass of your own blood stained feathers, you’ll
rise above it
You’ll fly
A wing span too wide to fathom
An angel without cause
You’ll receive what your pure heart deserves most
But until then, I can’t worry for you
My days are far too open
Far too free
And I can’t be dragged down
By your woes of love lost and love anew
Your kind of love is blind
If it saw what it had, it wouldn’t speak so ill of you
But your love is vicious
That vicious kind of hope
False and absent
There’s that vicious kind of love
Where all you can do is hurt yourself
You’ve grown so use to indulging the other
You’ve forgotten the pleasures of self indulgence
And as the Earth turns,
People progress
Life changes
But you remain, constantly immovable
We all see your internal bleeding
Your love
It domineers your psyche
Tells you how to suffer
Is love worth the bruises?
You’re covered in lies and rumors
Your love speaks of fidelity as casually as acquaintance
And yet you fail to see anything but perfection in the most
imperfect being
If your love is all love, I don’t want it
I’ve been born anew from your ashes
Like some prodigal phoenix
I fly above it all
The sky turns to horizon as the hopes of freedom uncover the
truth I hid my eyes from
You aren’t the one I want to waste my summers with
You’re far too fragile
Love has dug its claws deep inside you
And stripped you
Bare crimson flesh on display
For all the world’s fast moving fliers to see
Maybe I’ll swoop in someday
I’ll hope to see you happy
I’ll hope that love hasn’t ripped you completely to shreds
I hope, in a mass of your own blood stained feathers, you’ll
rise above it
You’ll fly
A wing span too wide to fathom
An angel without cause
You’ll receive what your pure heart deserves most
But until then, I can’t worry for you
My days are far too open
Far too free
And I can’t be dragged down
By your woes of love lost and love anew
Your kind of love is blind
If it saw what it had, it wouldn’t speak so ill of you
But your love is vicious
That vicious kind of hope
False and absent
Sunday, April 8, 2012
A Cynic's Meditation on Easter, Spring Break, and New Beginnnings?
I haven't the slightest idea why, but I find the rituals of Easter to be fairly mundane. As a child of an LDS household, I understand the spiritual reasonings with celebrating the holiday, but how did bunnies, ducklings, and artificially colored eggs become symbols of the holiday which we celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ? This is something I've never understood. I suppose it's sort of useless to consider something I can't change. Easter is Easter. Christmas is Christmas. We paint on happy faces and celebrate like we've taken a double dose of Prozac. Maybe that's my issue with holidays. Why is this day so special, that I should feign happiness? I maintain that one should only be happy if one is choosing to be.
Spring break is over, far too quickly. I feel as though spring break is like that show that premieres in the fall. We all get hooked on it, we tune in every week, we converse about it, and it is inevitably cancelled far too soon. Do you remember Pushing Daisies? Or Firefly? Or Dollhouse? Spring break is a lot like those TV shows. It shows promise, but it ends FAR too soon. I'm still mad about Pushing Daisies. Ned and Chuck never really got together. ISN'T THAT FRUSTRATING?! But unlike past spring breaks, this one has been especially fulfilling. I've spent the vast majority of my LAST high school spring break spending time with friends. I've done everything from see a badly directed, poorly casted stage version of Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog to dying my hair red to buying my first jock strap. Yes, it was incredibly weird to buy a jock strap. The things I do for the theatre...
I've recently come to the realization that I am a whore for a good Broadway musical soundtrack. One night this week, as I was driving home from the shenanigans of the night, a mix I had made of ballads sung by female characters in more recent Broadway musicals was playing (The Addams Family, Sister Act, Avenue Q, etc.) was playing over my 1999 Altima's admittedly crappy sound system. After jamming out to Grey's Anatomy's Sara Ramirez singing The Diva's Lament from Spamalot (she was the ORIGINAL Lady of the Lake), a song I barely knew came over the speakers. The song in question is Will You, sung by the legendary Christine Ebersole on the cast recording of Grey Gardens. The last few lines got me thinking. They go as follows.
As I lay there wondering why,
Will you?
Time rushes by,
Memories fade,
Dreams never do.
I will be ever true,
Will you?
When it comes to show tunes, I always find that I am fairly picky in the songs I listen to repetitively. Not surprisingly, the songs that catch my attention are the songs that have some sort of meaning or resonance with whatever sort of angsty teenage drama is going on at the time. I am fairly close to graduating high school and, more than anything else, the most important thing to me is to maintain some of the friendships I've made in high school when I move on to college and whatever else that big ol' deity in the sky has planned for me. I've spent most of my time during this spring break with friends and nearly all of them are people I want to keep in my life (a couple can go, if I'm being honest). I've given up on those friendships I really don't see going anywhere, and to be frank, the liberation I feel is better than any two bit, run of the mill friendship. Why would you spend time with someone you don't even like? Welcome to the plagues of high school. Good thing I'm almost done.
As Christine Ebersole's beautiful mezzo-soprano voice glides over the notes of 'Will You', the lyrics ask if the love she has found in her life is as devoted to her as she is to it. And although I haven't a significant other or even a hint of a significant other, I began to think about the friends I have gained throughout my high school experience. Who has changed me, who has affected me, who has royally pissed me off, and who has made me incredibly uncomfortable. Once you actually consider who your best friends are, it's surprising to find out the results. You never know when someone you previously took for granted will end up being much more important to you in the grand scheme of things.
I once had a friend who told me they would help me through anything, they would be there through everything, and, in their words, 'I am yours'. This was a moment when I realized that friendship shouldn't have be a chore, or a trial, or a tribulation. Whoever the person, you should love them unconditionally. They will have flaws, but a healthy friendship should feel much like a sibling. You see their flaws, you acknowledge their weaknesses, and you embrace them anyway. You encourage and accept the person, scars and all. Love and friendship coincide like Laverne and Shirley. Love and friendship are the best of friends. And one of the best things I've ever done is leave the friendships I don't genuinely want to pursue as they are. If that person is meant to be in your life, they will show up again. Isn't this the same thing with breakups? I recently had a messy breakup myself, and although there are still strong lingering feelings of love and devotion, i know that it's better for the both of us to be apart for the time being. If destiny (this is where I REALLY hope there is some form of God) has determined that you will be with this person again, it will happen.
So how bout that? First blog post. I'm REALLY hoping I will keep this up.
Spring break is over, far too quickly. I feel as though spring break is like that show that premieres in the fall. We all get hooked on it, we tune in every week, we converse about it, and it is inevitably cancelled far too soon. Do you remember Pushing Daisies? Or Firefly? Or Dollhouse? Spring break is a lot like those TV shows. It shows promise, but it ends FAR too soon. I'm still mad about Pushing Daisies. Ned and Chuck never really got together. ISN'T THAT FRUSTRATING?! But unlike past spring breaks, this one has been especially fulfilling. I've spent the vast majority of my LAST high school spring break spending time with friends. I've done everything from see a badly directed, poorly casted stage version of Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog to dying my hair red to buying my first jock strap. Yes, it was incredibly weird to buy a jock strap. The things I do for the theatre...
I've recently come to the realization that I am a whore for a good Broadway musical soundtrack. One night this week, as I was driving home from the shenanigans of the night, a mix I had made of ballads sung by female characters in more recent Broadway musicals was playing (The Addams Family, Sister Act, Avenue Q, etc.) was playing over my 1999 Altima's admittedly crappy sound system. After jamming out to Grey's Anatomy's Sara Ramirez singing The Diva's Lament from Spamalot (she was the ORIGINAL Lady of the Lake), a song I barely knew came over the speakers. The song in question is Will You, sung by the legendary Christine Ebersole on the cast recording of Grey Gardens. The last few lines got me thinking. They go as follows.
As I lay there wondering why,
Will you?
Time rushes by,
Memories fade,
Dreams never do.
I will be ever true,
Will you?
When it comes to show tunes, I always find that I am fairly picky in the songs I listen to repetitively. Not surprisingly, the songs that catch my attention are the songs that have some sort of meaning or resonance with whatever sort of angsty teenage drama is going on at the time. I am fairly close to graduating high school and, more than anything else, the most important thing to me is to maintain some of the friendships I've made in high school when I move on to college and whatever else that big ol' deity in the sky has planned for me. I've spent most of my time during this spring break with friends and nearly all of them are people I want to keep in my life (a couple can go, if I'm being honest). I've given up on those friendships I really don't see going anywhere, and to be frank, the liberation I feel is better than any two bit, run of the mill friendship. Why would you spend time with someone you don't even like? Welcome to the plagues of high school. Good thing I'm almost done.
As Christine Ebersole's beautiful mezzo-soprano voice glides over the notes of 'Will You', the lyrics ask if the love she has found in her life is as devoted to her as she is to it. And although I haven't a significant other or even a hint of a significant other, I began to think about the friends I have gained throughout my high school experience. Who has changed me, who has affected me, who has royally pissed me off, and who has made me incredibly uncomfortable. Once you actually consider who your best friends are, it's surprising to find out the results. You never know when someone you previously took for granted will end up being much more important to you in the grand scheme of things.
I once had a friend who told me they would help me through anything, they would be there through everything, and, in their words, 'I am yours'. This was a moment when I realized that friendship shouldn't have be a chore, or a trial, or a tribulation. Whoever the person, you should love them unconditionally. They will have flaws, but a healthy friendship should feel much like a sibling. You see their flaws, you acknowledge their weaknesses, and you embrace them anyway. You encourage and accept the person, scars and all. Love and friendship coincide like Laverne and Shirley. Love and friendship are the best of friends. And one of the best things I've ever done is leave the friendships I don't genuinely want to pursue as they are. If that person is meant to be in your life, they will show up again. Isn't this the same thing with breakups? I recently had a messy breakup myself, and although there are still strong lingering feelings of love and devotion, i know that it's better for the both of us to be apart for the time being. If destiny (this is where I REALLY hope there is some form of God) has determined that you will be with this person again, it will happen.
So how bout that? First blog post. I'm REALLY hoping I will keep this up.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)