I know. It's so bogus to blog twice in a day. It's a true testament to how truly droll my summer has been. When my ecstatic excitement over The Dark Knight Rises premiere is the most pressing matter on my mind, I have problems. Or I guess you could say a lack of problems. It's not like life hasn't had any sort of complication since I graduated, but even amidst all the romantic entanglements and friendly jabs, nothing lifechanging has yet to happen. I think about what I had in mind for my last summer being carefree. But suddenly, nothing seems too carefree.
I stress about those I love, even when I know they're perfectly happy. I constantly worry about how I could improve myself, whether physically or mentally. I read like I'm being paid to. In case you're wondering, Sarah Dessen novels and Jane Eyre get tiresome after the 10th or 15th read through. And it's funny, because despite all my boredom, I wouldn't trade this melancholy contentment for any sort of stress I ever felt in high school. I've been told since day one of my freshmen year how incredible the feeling is once you start really growing up, but I had no idea the change I would feel internally (how pragmatic of me!). Even now, thinking back on it, I've changed quite a bit and it's only been a little over a month.
The secret of living, currently, is realizing that I'm no longer the only person I care about. It's mindblowing the people you end up worrying about day to day. People that I truly detested in school, even hated, I now worry I'll lose, while people I saw and mingled with often are suddenly distant, and frankly, unpleasant to be around. In a discussion with a former friend the other night, I realized how easily I had idealized what sort of person they were. This person had been such an important friend near the middle of my senior year, but once I actually removed myself from those old feelings, I saw how manipulative, even caustic they were. I'd made an attempt to reconnect near the end of the year, simply out of some false sense of obligation, and nothing ended up changing. That person had simply become a place in a dusty scrapbook I'll never feel the need to open again.
To quote Roxie Hart from Chicago, I'm older than I ever intended to be. I'm still growing, maturing, almost daily. I've found how easily you can disregard contention with others once you've left the public school system indefinitely. It's interesting to see some people leave it so easily, as though it had absolutely no effect on them, while others cling to those days that were only months ago. I feel sympathy for them. Maybe someday I'll feel that way, but currently, the only sort of connection I still have to my high school life are the friends I've managed to stay connected with after graduating. While some friendships I've kept so easily, I think the ones most important are the ones I fear losing.
I've been lucky to have plans with friends nearly every night of my entire summer. I'm sure that sounds so lofty. 'Ooo, I'm a diva with friends and plans! I haven't the time for silence! Let me giggle at those who spend the night with their cat while I tear through gas and bother my friends much too late at night!' I don't mean to sound that way. But it's incredible who you see yourself becoming in those moments. I've spent quite a bit of my time with people I never thought I would, and I certainly wouldn't trade it for anything.
There's still those moments of adolescent discomfort. I'm an awkward person by nature and my admittedly ridiculous emotional fragility still gets in the way. But I think realizing those things, seeing your weaknesses rather than trying to hide them, is part of growing up. So, to name a few: I drink more Diet Coke than most people would ever suggest. I have, on occasion, talked on the phone while I was in bed. I assume things without any sort of rational thought and, consequently, I have come close to severing some incredibly important friendships because of it. I have trouble believing people have truly forgiven me for the hurt I have caused them.
I think the last one deserves it's own paragraph. Once I turned eighteen (literally the night before), I was reminded by someone who is now one of my best friends that God is still in my life. I'm not usually one to share any sort of spiritual feeling, but without my Heavenly Father, I haven't any sort of idea where I would be, who I'd be associating myself with, and what I'd be smoking. It blows my mind how people can go through life, perfectly happy, yet not believing in any sort of higher power. My purpose for being on this planet is still as big of a mystery to me as it has always been. But I know, with someone always watching over me, hearing my cries for help, I'll find my way.
Well, this post has been a complete 180 of the post I made earlier today (scratch that, yesterday. It's 12:05 currently). I'm not quite sure what sparked this post. But hey, live and learn. Happy Camping!
No comments:
Post a Comment