There's a Somebody I'm Longing to See

I could blog about my deep love for this country, or my childish love for fireworks, or my irrevocable love for the hottest days of summer (sincerely). I haven't blogged in a while, due to a dire need to find a job and a selfish need to have a social life. But lately, I'm finding that even when I'm writing for myself, journal or fiction, I find that everything is dripping with the sweet, syrupy sappiness of love and romance. To be frank, I've never really felt or seen true love for myself. Lately, there have been a few close calls, but because of some declarations I've made about myself and some promises I've made to myself and others, romance has never been a goal or a wish. But my mind changes so often, I'm not even sure how I feel about it now.

One of my favorite films for the music and the story is Funny Girl, starring the incomparable Barbra Streisand as Fanny Brice. Miss Brice was a comedienne and performer who was famed for performing in Florenz Ziegfeld's Follies, but the focus of the film is Fanny Brice's courtship and marriage to her first husband Nick Armstein. Mr. Armstein had many troubles with the the law, but throughout the film, Fanny holds to her man steadfast. Even after he leaves her, she's quick to admit she loves him in one of the best performances of a song I've ever seen in a movie musical. Miss Streisand's rendition of the jazz standard My Man is easily one of the best. Only because I watch this film at least 27 times a month, I've been thinking about that song quite a bit lately. For example, a line of lyrics goes as follows.

What's the difference if I say I'll go away
When I know I'll come back on my knee someday
For whatever my man is, I am his forever more

Is this the sort of torture one who is truly in love should have to put themselves through? To be honest, I don't understand that sort of devotion to someone else, especially if it is unrequited. True love should be the moment when someone's life meshes perfectly with yours, not when someone becomes the only important thing IN your life. There's so much that is lost when someone wastes their time in self destructive relationships with people that are clearly not as devoted to the relationship as they are. I've watched friends destroy their own social lives in pursuit of the wrong partner. I've even given up on friendships due to the stress it puts on me as a friend to deal with the constant back and forth of it all. If two people are truly in love, it shouldn't be hard to figure it out. You love each other. You commit to each other when both of you are equally ready. If the timing isn't write, if one person isn't as invested, it's not love.

I realize I'm not one to speak on true love as if I've felt it for myself. It's still one of life's greatest mysteries that I've yet to unlock (at least I'm pretty sure). I'm certainly not closed off to the idea that, perhaps, sometime in the far off future (or somewhat near, who knows), someone might walk into my life that I absolutely can't live without. And when I fall, I'll fall hard. I know I'll hold so tightly to that little shred of hope that, yes, maybe someone can handle all my craziness. Maybe there is someone for me out there. Isn't there someone for everyone?

I think back to my years in high school (not that long ago, I know). I witnessed a lot of couples get together and break up, but only a handful seemed incredibly happy. A couple of friends of mine, in particular, met through show choir their sophomore year and finally began dating midway through their junior year. I look at them, and I see love. It's a sheer delight to be around when two people are confident and trustworthy enough with one another to be happy and to invite others to enjoy their happiness with them. Otherwise, couples that are constantly fighting, constantly considering breakups, constantly wondering if they can trust the other person, that's unhealthy.

That isn't love. Love is the moment you realize that you're worth enough to yourself to finally let someone else see every single bit of you, good and bad. It's that day you turn to someone else and you say, 'You know, I think I'd take a bullet for you,' and you genuinely mean it. I'll never stop believing in the ideal of a perfect romance.